Thursday, September 30, 2010

Happy Zombie Haiku Thursday.

It's Thursday, Friday's less-hot brother. Celebrate with mediocre creativity!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Pre-New Year's Resolutions

You know how every January people make up all these useless, shitty lists about how they're going to improve their lives in the coming year? These people call them "New Year's Resolutions" and I have always hated that tradition. Well, come to think of it, I hate a lot of other New Year's traditions, like that "kiss at midnight!" bullshit. Honestly, I've kissed more girls at midnight than guys and let me tell you, the subsequent year is usually no better or worse because of it. Also, it's a scientific fact that girls are better kissers than guys. Einstein said that. Probably.

Anyway, EM is really good about making these neat little lists of things that she wants to accomplish throughout the year, and even though I'm biased, her lists are really the best because it's never like, "I'm going to lose fifteen pounds!" or "I'm going to stop eating so many cheesy, fried things" and "I'm not going to get drunk by myself on weekdays!" which is probably what all of mine would be, but you don't have to worry about that last one because I'm a writer and as a breed, we're only successful when we're alcoholics. I'm drinking my way to success!

So as I was saying, EM's lists are really good because they're all things that are realistic goals, but are also things that would probably improve anyone's outlook on life. One time she put skydiving on her list, and she totally did it. She braved it. She also has things on there like reconnecting with old friends, traveling to places she's never been and setting new career goals for herself. Come to think of it, TOL did the same thing. He, too, was an accomplisher.

As someone with a painfully short attention span, I have a hard time making resolutions because I often change my mind throughout the year. If I were to say something like, "I'm going to stop swearing so god damn often," but then ended up writing a short story with a white trash narrator or transcribing an interview with some metalhead punctuating his sentences with "fuck," it's fair to say those words would creep back into my vocabulary. Ultimately, I would feel like a failure, and I don't like feeling that way. I can barely handle it when I lose at Scrabble. As a result, I've come up with a modified list of resolutions that I am going to accomplish by next October, because they are awesome and/or easy and I will probably not lose interest in them.

1. Get amazing at FPS (first person shooter, for you non-nerds out there) games.

2. Learn to cook/bake ONE thing better than everyone you know. (I was interested in sugar cookies last month, but now I'm interested in cinnamon rolls. Let's not get too specific with the resolution, though, shall we?)

3. Stop making excuses about financial responsibility and buy the goddamn Loubs that you've wanted for two years.

4. Probably learn to not be so afraid of ants. Spiders are still fucking terrifying, though, so it's cool to be afraid of them.

5. Stop making excuses about watching documentaries and bad SyFy movies. You're a nerd, and everyone already knows.

6. Now that you've mastered the art of haiku, learn the art of limericks. Especially dirty and/or zombie ones.

7. Finally decide which is better: Coke or Pepsi.

8. Travel somewhere outside your comfort zone.

9. Make more mixes on your iPod.

10. Also take a lot more pictures. We have fun doing that and we want to get better at it.

11. Find and watch all Bruce Campbell movies that you haven't seen yet.

Done and done. Ef you, January, not only do I make lists with uneven numbers, but I make my resolutions WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Let's Talk About Something Good, Like Addiction!

It's my belief that everyone has at least one addiction. Some are better than others, I think. Like, I'm pretty sure it's okay if you're addicted to something like laughter, but if you're addicted to something like kicking nuns in the shin, you might need some help. Sometimes it's really a fine line between what is okay, and what should be managed more closely.

Thanks, Cyanide and Happiness! You guys TOTALLY GET IT.

I made you guys a list of acceptable and unacceptable addictions, just so you can have a tangible reference source.


- caffeine.


- when you start walking to Starbucks every fifteen minutes because you're afraid if your heart rate drops below that of a hummingbird, your circulatory system will explode from shock.


- helping others because charity makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.


- when you start adopting children en masse from third world countries in the hopes that TLC will give you your own reality television series. (Dibs on the working title "The Average Broad and Her Unaverage Brood!")


- acquiring a few tech gadgets to keep up with the changing times.


- kidnapping numerous tech nerds and forcing them to update your social networks constantly so you can feel like you've kept up with the changing times.


- the occasional splurge on something fun, like shoes or lingerie (or whatever guys buy when they splurge. Maybe porn or like... a signed football or something?)


- splurging regularly on drugs and strippers. And hookers.


- alcohol. In moderation. Also, only if it's good alcohol. Whiskey and Guinness are acceptable, because they are delicious.


- excessive use of bad alcohol, like Popov, Milwaukee's Best, moonshine and anti-freeze.


- collecting things as a hobby, such as postcards, shot glasses or Guinness memorabilia.


- collecting dead bodies and/or other people's wallets. Oh, and other people's cars, and other people's children. I hear that last one is a big no-no.


- buying albums on CD and vinyl.


- buying albums on vinyl when you don't have a record player. (I fail this one because I started collecting vinyl years ago and have yet to buy a good record player. Also, I'm a hipster about it because I have records hanging on my wall, so... I suck.)


- any kind of addiction that has you bent over snorting coke off of a stripper's ass, any kind of addiction that involves Ed Hardy, Jaguh Bahmbs and fake tanner, anything that involves punching babies or nuns, or probably shark fining. I don't know if that's an addiction, but maybe to some person. Whatever. It's *wrong*.

I hope that helped clear things up a bit for you guys. You're welcome. I'm here to help, after all.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Attention: Paid.

Oh Blog, I have been neglecting you. I won't bother with excuses, we're both too grown up for that.

New York is tantalizingly and terrifyingly close. J.R. is in New York, doing something fabulous at her company's NY office and chasing the Jets around. Maybe she'll meet and fall in love with a football player, or at least worthy fan. She's so incredible, though, I have a hard time imagining anyone worthy.

Last year at this time, I felt a huge pull in that direction. This year, I feel like Los Angeles knows my resolve and is reaching to keep me here. Tentative career opportunities in the works, writing potential, and (sigh of reluctance) possibly a new crush. The Bestie nicknamed him SHG for me. You don't need to know what that means yet. I'm actually kind of afraid to jinx it and end up with the body pillow, which you also don't need to understand yet. I will tell you that I'm overwhelmingly intimidated by how great SHG is, and Lord help me, he has a heart-stopping pair of beautiful brown eyes. It's agonizing - really.

In between lusting after SHG and trying to keep my writing in order and my head on straight, fall is creeping in. I wish the leaves changed here. Los Angeles summers tend to hold on too long for me.

I suppose that's it for now. I haven't had any coffee yet, and I'm fairly certain I need to be all-the-way awake to be remotely entertaining.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'm not dead yet! I want to go for a walk!

Serious brownie points if you know what movie that's from. Sorry I've been MIA lately, but things got busy and you all know how that goes. What do you mean I 'should make more time' for you?! I'M NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, OKAY?


Anyway, I'm cheat-posting today and linking to another article that I posted on my music blog: I know you want to click here and go create your own music genres.

Happy Hump Day, kids.