Thursday, October 21, 2010

French Godzilla Vous Tuera!

I have a hard time telling stories sometimes because I get anxiety about "cutting to the chase." You might think that's weird, but I lay a lot of the blame at the feet of minor ADD. My conversations, text messages, email exchanges and the like often take rather bizarre twists and turns and it's hard for me to deliver the punchline without the context of what built up to it. Sort of like...

"I was talking to my Friend With Great Hair the other day and we decided that she should have an Angry Vagina Party. I suggested stapling bread to a shirt and going as a yeast infection," I would say.

"Uh. Angry Vagina Party? TAB, are you on medication?"

So now I have to go back and EXPLAIN that the reason for wanting to throw an Angry Vagina Party is because Friend With Great Hair wrote a short play about a woman whose vagina has a separate personality and divulges all of the protagonist's sexual secrets. It's quite hilarious and will probably win a Tony when they make it into a musical. You see the genesis of wearing a bread-blouse to a party, right? Good. Also, I'm not on medication, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I had to tell you that story to explain the birth of French Godzilla. Yesterday, I was in the midst of a text conversation with someone, and the conversation turned to the French. I get the feeling he's a bit anti-French, but I tend to love them for their snottiness and artistic flair and for giving me crepes and lingerie and cafe au lait and la tour Eiffel avec toutes les belles lumières! Although, I said to him, I can do without the surrendering and the existentialism. J.P. Sartre, you really chap my ass. He added, "...and the nuclear testing."


Regardless of the fact that France only has like 200-something atmospheric and underground nuclear tests and the US has racked up well over 1,000, I agreed with him. Helloooo, French people, have you BEEN to French Polynesia? What is *wrong* with you that you want to perform underwater tests RIGHT THERE in paradise? Ohh la la, mon dieu. Quel dommage!

But in a jovial sort of manner, I told him it would only be a few years before French Polynesian Godzilla emerged, so it couldn't be all that bad anyway... mainly because I'm going to tame that mofo, saddle him up and ride off into the sunset. Probably to set up on some French Polynesian island where I will then rule as Queen TAB, sci-fi cowgirl and ruler of sea mutants. French Godzilla will enforce the laws of my land and bring me crepes and wine.

I told MEH about my plan and he was on board, too. You guys are totally invited.


  1. Oh gosh, where to start. OK, first, I have that same ADD thing and I can never seem to get to the point of anything I am trying to say. Often the conversation ends before I realize what I was trying to say. But then it is too late to go back and say, btw, forget all that other crap I said, what I really meant is....
    That would not work anyway because it would just be the start of a truly vicious cycle. Secondly, that's the second time this week that French Polynesia has come up. Is fate trying to tell me something? Perhaps I will ride along with you. Not riding the giant spiderella, however. Third, once my friend, the same friend with whom I was earlier this week discussing French Polynesia, said we should have a minimalist Halloween party. I said, "What do you mean?", and she said, "well, let's say you wanted to be Joan would just show up wearing shoulder pads and carrying a wire hanger. Everyone would get it." Your bread shirt totally fits our theme. We are better at thinking up great ideas than executing them, however, so we never had that party. Maybe next year (I've said for the last 20 years).
    Au revoir, hula girl.
    PS There are no cannibals in French Polynesia, are there? Maybe you should buy a Greek Island. I read today that they are selling them. As soon as they can figure out who owns them.

  2. um. giant french godzilla?! i am totally in. ill bring the bread to staple to her shirt!

    love you.

  3. I am so down with this idea. Also, I too tell long-winded pointless stories. Like this one time.....