Monday, November 1, 2010

Alcohol Disguises Social Ineptitude. (But not really.)

This weekend was Halloween, which is proven to be one of the best holidays because you get to dress up like a maniac, get jacked on too-much-candy sugar and try to come down from said sugar high by countering with too-much-booze. My plan was to chase cupcakes with beer and then pee out all the sugar so that I'd be at some kind of idly inebriated equilibrium, because life is all about balance, kids.

I wound up at a party Saturday night with Billie, her younger brother and her roommate and began the drinking part of my plan. Half a bottle of wine and two cheap beers later, the three of us ladies surveyed the cute boy situation. Partly swaying with my wine bottle in one hand and my beer in the other, I made the command decision to indulge my inner nerd and scope out the Cute Boys in Superhero Costumes, of which there were a few. I figured we could at least bond over comic books, and then maybe bond some more by making out. Bow chica bow bow.

Sorry. I won't do that again.

Anyway, I dragged Billie around the sort-of-huge house on the hunt for Spiderman, who I thought was very cute but Billie said was too short. I said it didn't matter - he had lovely brown eyes and was wearing a Spiderman costume. We already had so much in common!

Milling about and keeping my eyes open for the adorable Spiderman, we ran into a Superman/Clark Kent who I also deemed attractive. We had a really romantic exchange that went something like:

Me: "Oh! You're from New York! What is it that you do?"

Superman: "I'm a comedian."

Me: "That's cool! More in the sitcom arena or stand-up type stuff?"

Superman: "I actually hate both sitcoms and stand-up."

Me: "Oh. :: awkward silence :: So, I really like your costume! Are you a big comic book fan?"

Superman: "Not really."

:: Crickets chirp. A tumbleweed blows by. Someone in the audience coughs. ::

Me: "So, how do you like L.A.?"

Superman: "I don't." :: Superman looks over his shoulder with a random, irritated look ::

Me: "Okay. I'm going to go stand over here now."

Obviously, I am smooth and charming, so if you'd like to know how to spend your next party like The Average Broad, commence as follows:

Chug some wine. Drink a beer. Coerce the girl dressed like Snooki to fist-pump for a photo even if she looks mad and you look drunk. Slow dance with Billie, her brother and her roommate all at the same time, a la "Romy and Michelle." Finish bottle of wine. Refill bottle with keg beer. Deem it to be undrinkable. Drink it anyway. Have slurring discussion with man in toga about the finer points of Arthur Miller's collected works. Hunt for Spiderman again. Realize Spiderman has left the building. Refill empty wine bottle with keg beer again. Apologize for bumping into the booty of a guy wearing white pants. Ask guy if he's John Travolta from "Saturday Night Fever." Call him John Travolta even when he says that's not what his costume is. Intentionally bump into his booty again. Decide that next year, you will dress up as Bill Lumbergh from "Office Space." Have another romantic exchange with someone dressed up as Antoine Dodson about who has the better costume. His comes with a catch phrase, so he wins. Finish second wine bottle full of beer. Decide you are ready to go home. Pass out on your couch watching infomercials.

It's hard out here for a pimp.


  1. You know, I don't want to bring up bad memories, but the LAST time you tried to seduce someone with a, well, it wasn't a costume, it's part of his nickname...let's just say he didn't bring it. At all. I vote you shun all Spiderman and Spider(Spanky) related men from now on.
    And Superman was a jerk. I think you gave him several nice conversational openings but apparently, he had Important Superhero Business to attend to. Fine. So much for his chances for phone-booth sex.

  2. Hahahaha, Julie! I know, I know, if I had a dollar for every time I swooned over a comic book geek who then ran away from me... I'd have at least 4 dollars, which is at least enough to buy the beer that I need to cope with the rejection.

    I've already sworn off musicians, so are you telling me I now have to swear off another entire group of men? Crap.

  3. Superman is not that Super. Kind of drippy. You seem to have been a lot of fun. And not an average amount of fun. Like a kegs worth of fun.

  4. That didn't happen! Well, maybe it did but not in that way. Although Spider-Man was too short. How can you call yourself a comic book nerd if you write Spider-Man without the dash? Okay, back to fighting crime... I mean reporting.

    -Clark Kent

    PS: You never actually called yourself a comic book nerd.

  5. Oh, Clark Kent! I hate to admit this to you now, but...

    I'm really a Marvel girl.

    Not that that should sway you to abandon the Clark Kent/Superman getup, cuz, you know...


  6. I knew you were a Marvel girl. In fact I already knew that X-Men was your comic because your last name is Christian but with an M instead of an I. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me at the time and it sure as hell doesn't now. Sorry, if I didn't seem totally into our conversation but between talking to guy dress as a character from Stargate the series and you telling me how you go to Comic-Con in costume I was feeling a little "Nerd Overloaded".
    I don't know why you were interested in guys dressed as superheros anyway. If I were you I would have been all over that guy with the glowing box head. He was damn sexy. For future reference, if you are looking to meet guys or "make out" as you put it, at a costume party you probably shouldn't go with fake blood all over your face. Most girls usually try either the naughty nurse, Catholic high school girl, or French maid. But if you want to find I really nerdy guy maybe try wonder woman or Princes Leia in a gold bikini. Maybe you should just try to track down that guy who was dressed as someone from Stargate the series. You guys probably have a lot in common. But what do I know. You could always take what you did to the next level and just cover your entire body with fake blood. Since your sister works in special effects makeup I assume she could probably get you a pretty good deal on a Cosco sized bucket. Anyway, better luck next year. As for me I think I am going to stick with the superhero in transition theme. I'm going to get some really tight clothes and give my face and hands a very slight green tint and be "turning into the Hulk".


    -Clark Kent