Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Things that PMS will give you:

1. The ability to eat half a box of Girl Scout cookies, cheesy pasta loaded with butter, cinnamon sugar oatmeal, biscotti with coffee and a handful of hard candies and still not feel full, when you normally survive on a handful of almonds and a piece of fruit in the AM hours.

2.  The understanding and rationalization that by drinking a 5.5 oz. V-8 with all of those foods, you're undoing all of the calories you just consumed, and are healthier for it.

3.  A surprisingly vitriolic intolerance to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (when you were previously apathetic about the youngsters) because 10-year olds should not be making more money than you.

4.  Anxiety and paranoia that everyone is mad at you, because you are already convinced you're being a bitch based solely on the negative thoughts you have about everything around you, even though you've been alone in your office all day and haven't actually interacted with anyone.

5.  The inability to distinguish between good idea texts and bad idea texts.  Example:  Cute Boy:  "How are you today?"  Good idea:  "I'm not feeling well today and am a bit stressed out."  Bad idea:  "Trying to figure out what my coworker wants me to do makes me want to strap her down and take a rusty cheese grater to her face."  It's sort of like drunk texting, except you have no excuse for atrocious spelling and grammar errors.

6.  The unmistakable urge to cry at the Golden Girls theme song.  Thank you for being a friend...::sob::

7.  The idea that french fries are a good dinner.

8.  The belief that people want to hear you bitch about your PMS.

9.  The inability to deal with bad traffic long lines a freezing office cold air people anything.

10.  But also?  A legal defense in case you go batshit and take a rusty cheese grater to someone's face.  Not that I would consider doing that.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man! Now I know why Miley's recent appearance on SNL gave me a headache that lasted all weekend (no, really) and why at dinner tonight I thought it would be a good idea to ask my ex-BF (but good friend, and now, neighbor! Yay! It's "Melrose Place"! But I digress) if he ever found me sexy or if I was just conveniently there for sex as his girlfriend 3 years ago. Make sense? Of course not. (I didn't ask that, BTW. Instead I asked, "So,why does your BFF not want to meet me? Be honest." God, Julie, that's not confrontational at all. Uh-huh.). It's hormonal.
    This means it will pass. Right after I eat that whole box of breaded shrimp from Trader Joe's....

    I guess I'm saying: I feel ya. ;)