Monday, October 24, 2011

Things I want to say to customers, but can't.

I'm working in retail again whilst I intern.  Hilarity ensues.  Also ensuing:  a sad, head-shake at the state of humanity.

Customer:  “I’m looking for something that will make my wrinkles go away.”
What I want to say:  “We sell skincare, not time-traveling DeLoreans.”

Customer:  “Do you guys sell those flavored massage candles?”
Me:  “No.  We have massage oil and candles, but I wouldn’t recommend pouring this particular candle wax on anyone.”
Customer:  “It says these are ‘all natural’—does that mean it’s okay to eat?”
What I want to say:  “’All natural’ just means it comes from nature.  Slime mold, rat feces and poison oak are technically all natural.  Is it okay to eat those?”

Customer:  “This lotion made me break out all over my face!”
Me:  “That’s because this lotion isn’t meant to go on your face.  It’s body lotion.”
Customer:  “Well, your face is a part of your body.  They should state that this doesn’t go on your face.”
What I want to say:  “Toilet paper is marketed as ‘bath tissue.’  Am I to understand you take all product directions literally and use it in the bath?”

Customer:  “I want to buy a gift for my wife, but I don’t really know what she likes.”
What I want to say:  “If you don’t know what your wife likes, you should probably be buying something a lot nicer than bath products.  Like a giant diamond apology for not knowing the person that you married.”

Customer:  “I bought some blush here last time, but I really didn’t like it.”
Me:  “Okay.  Was it the color or the product itself that you didn’t like?”
Customer:  “It was the color.  I’d like to try this one.”  (She picks up a different type of blush, in the same color that she said she did not like.”
Me:  “Well, that’s the same color that you said you didn’t care for—would you perhaps like to try another color?”
Customer:  “No, since it’s a different type of blush, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
What I want to say:  “You know, trying the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Curious gentleman:  “I’d like to apply for a job here.”
Co-worker:  “Do you have any experience with makeup or skincare?”
Curious gentleman:  “Yes—I won a modeling contest.”
What I want to say:  “Oh, I see how this works.  Excellent.  Well, I’m off to go pilot an airplane because I flew to New York one time.”


  1. GAHAHAHA oh god, I hope you go out in a blaze of glory and curse someone out one of these days.

    -Ze Richie

  2. Brilliant. I hope that you one day get to say those things to the customers.