Friday, April 27, 2012

I can't be the only one who worries about this.

Me:  Do you ever feel like our world is going to be swallowed by spam and junk mail and automated phone system telemarketers?  I've been worried about that lately.  Like one day, I'm just gonna wake up and call my mom to chat or something, but her voice will be all weird and stilted and all, "Press 1 if you're calling about a recipe.  Press 2 if you're calling to vent.  Press 3 for advice," and I'll end up cracking and going off the grid.

Friend:  Uh?  No.  Can't say that I'm really worried about it.  Are you... are you on meds or something?

Me:  No... it just concerns me.  I mean, I'm not really worried about robot overlords taking over the planet or aliens or even zombies, but I feel like I'm developing an increasingly intense fear that one day, it's all gonna be commercials and junk mail and spam emails with nauseating grammar and spelling errors.

Friend:  Spam emails nauseate you?

Me:  Oh God, yes.  Don't they do that to everyone?  You know what?  That actually might be at the root of my paralyzing anxiety:  the degradation of the English language at the hands of marketers, spammers, and advertisers.

Friend:  Sometimes I worry that you have a type of psychological hypochondria and you just start diagnosing neuroses and it all feeds your anxiety like some kind of catch-22.  I mean, are you really worried about spam taking over the world?!

Me:  Of course I am.  What I can't believe is that you're not worried about it.  You're probably on the right track with "psychological hypochondria," though.  But more importantly, at least I'm on the path to mental preparedness, (should such an event ever happen) because of this psychological hypochondria.

Friend:  It is amazing how far you can go on your paranoia alone.

Me:  Probably a side effect of my disease.

1 comment:

  1. This makes me think of "Motel of the Mysteries." (Which is GREAT btw.)