Stop having revelations that everyone has already had.

My coworker just came into my office grinning like someone heavily medicated and asked me if I knew why he was so cheerful all the time.  I raised an eyebrow at him.

"I think it's just because I'm so happy to be alive.  That's why I don't want to get married - in case it would depress me."

I laughed because for my coworker, this was some kind of revelation - as if no man in the history of the planet has ever had this same thought. 

I didn't bring up the fact that my father is currently at my mother's bedside in the hospital and has been for the past five days and would not choose to be anywhere else in the world right now.

Sometimes I feel like I am rebelling against my own generation for wanting previously conventional things - marriage, children, family meal times, things (I will openly admit) I used to look down upon.  People say that you inevitably turn into your parents when you get older.

For the most part, I really hope so.

Why I'm excited for the apocalypse and how you can be, too!

At the risk of sounding complacent, I am mutha-fuckin' ready for some natural disaster-apocalypse shit to happen.  Preparedness runs in my veins, you guys, a gift (in part) from my ass-kicking, pirate chasing (seriously, that happened fo real) military officer father.  The other half of that is from my ass-kicking, sharpshooting (she has a medal), military officer mother.  Holy balls, TAB, you must have had an insane upbringing!  Not so much, voice-in-my-head, EM and I had a relatively normal childhood.  But when you go through survival training and organization and ass-kicking lessons in the military (like my parents did) they drill that stuff so far into your head that it hits you square in your genetics, which is why EM and I are genetically programmed to outlast even cockroaches and Keith Richards and Twinkies.  Are you following this logic with me?  Good.

So when things like Katrina and Haiti and Japan and Chernobyl and the end of the dot-com era and the breakup of Pangaea and the end of the dinosaurs at the hand of alien robot overlords who will probably return happen, EM and I will be waiting, ready to rule the land like kings because we are so much more prepared than everyone else, except my parents. And probably the president, because I imagine they have him pretty prepared for this kind of thing.  Oh, and unless you have some kind of bunker or lead-lined basement, in which case I'm jealous and we should be friends so that we can talk about our emergency plans and survival kits together.  (Does yours involve bacon?  Because mine does!)

Now, because you lovely people are actually reading this ridiculous blog, I'm going to impart some of my wisdom to you about what you really need to be prepared for some kind of disaster.  What KIND of disaster you ask?  ALL KINDS, including, but not limited to:  earthquake, tornado, hurricane, tsunami, cyclone, wildfire, volcano, nuclear meltdown, zombie/bear/shark attack, monsoon, flood, flash flood, solar eclipse, lunar eclipse, getting lost in the forest or at sea, something involving a desert or extreme drought and finally, getting in a death match with Bear Grylls because you have a cache of fresh water and he is left drinking snake blood and the water squeezed from elephant poop.

Let's discuss the two types of emergency kits you need:  an Oh Shit! kit and an Armageddon Box.  Your Oh Shit! kit should be small and compact enough that you can grab it in less than five minutes and run, especially if there is something like a tsunami or a dinosaur chasing you.  It should have enough supplies to sustain you for two days.  Your Armageddon Box should be something slightly more long term, and this would be something that you could rely on if parts of the infrastructure collapsed and you needed to camp out somewhere for 10 to 14 days, or until you heard over the radio waves that the military had cleared your city of the zombie plague and you're safe to return to your abode.  Both of these kits should be easily accessible - for example, since EM and I live in Los Angeles and spend most of our time in traffic, our Oh Shit! kits are in the trunks of our cars.  Our Armageddon Box is in our carport.  It's smart to keep supplies in a couple different locations, in case you can't get to one.

There are three rules that you should keep in mind when getting your kits together:

1.  Depending on your location, you need to make sure you are dry, warm, watered and fed. 

2.  The rule of 3:  a human can last 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food and 3 times 3 is 9.  Wait, forget that last part, that's not part of the same rule...

3.  Be aware, use common sense, and remember:  shoot 'em in the head, and they'll stay dead.  (Especially useful when fighting zombies and Bear Grylls.)

Here are some things that you should consider having in your Oh Shit! kit:

• Drinking water and water purification tablets (at least a gallon, but FYI, you should have a gallon per person per day)
• Food for two days (you can get compact and semi-tasty MREs at any army/navy surplus store)
• A first aid kit
• A flashlight and extra batteries, or even better, a hand-crank flashlight
• A clean, dry change of clothes
• A space blanket
• A small emergency radio
• A multi-tool (like a Leatherman) or a Swiss Army Knife, something with a can opener for canned food
• Waterproof, windproof matches or a fire-starting flint
• Maps of your area
• A dust mask (to help against dust and also airborne biologicals that will zombiefy you)
• Baby wipes, toilet paper, pads/tampons and garbage bags for "personal sanitation"
• A small tool kit:  wrench, pliers, screwdriver  (important for turning off utilities)
• Road flares and a whistle (should you need to signal for help)
• Bear spray (not just for bears/Bear Grylls!  That's a 30 ft. radius of spicy protection, my friends)

That should help you last for a couple days.  Granted, that is if you're in a climate like I am (in southern California) and we don't have to worry too much about cold, wet weather and our main concern would be having clean water.  If you're in some place like Seattle where water is more accessible and you would be more concerned about staying warm and dry, I'd seriously consider having rain gear and the little chemical hand warmers in my Oh Shit! kit.  Remember, keep this one the most easily accessible to you and in a backpack or bag that you could carry.  If you can't lift it because it's too heavy, it's not going to do you any good.

Here's what you should consider having in your Armageddon Box:

• A small tent
• Plastic tarps to go under said tent (wet ground = wet tent = wet sleeping bag = unhappy)
• A sleeping bag
• More water!  Hooray!
• More food!  Hooray!
• Another first aid kit!  Hooray!  With any prescription meds that you may need, sunscreen and a first aid book so you can know how to treat things like broken arms and shark bites.
• Don't forget your pets!  Food and water for them, too.
• A secret stash of cash
• A portable water filtration kit
• A mess kit with pots and pans, paper utensils
• A small camp stove
• A lantern
• Bigger tools:  a shovel, an ax, a machete
• IF you're familiar with firearms and firearm safety (and yes, I am), a pistol

Above all, have a plan.  How are you going to get in touch with your family, especially if cell phones and land lines are down?  Pick an evacuation route and a meeting place, and then have a backup plan.  Also, here is a great resource for helping you to get your shit together:  http://www.ready.gov/america/index.html.

Now that you're on your way to being prepared for the apocalypse and for Bear Grylls to creep in and try to bogart your stuff, be sure to maintain your kit.  Food, water, and medicine all expires, so be smart about it and update it once a year. 

If you've come this far with me, you're probably so gaddamn prepared for everything that you're just itching for the opportunity to use your Oh Shit! kit and your Armageddon Box, and you should be.  Just remember to be smart and sane about everything, don't panic, and keep an eye open for Bear Grylls.  Being friends with Bruce Campbell couldn't hurt, either.

I obviously need to intern with Sheen to learn how to succeed. Also, OMG I used a lot of commas in this one.

I feel like I've been posting a lot about Facebook lately and even though I've only posted like twice about it, two can definitely be "a lot" if you're like me and you think things like, "When I say I want a lot of whiskey, I mean I want two bottles."  Two bottles is a lot of whiskey, you guys, unless you're an alcoholic and I'm not because I don't drink alone, except when I have good reasons, like not having an odd number of bottles in the house.  Symmetry is better for feng shui.  Probably.

Anyway, so my graduating class from high school has this Facebook group so that we can all keep in touch and have a splendid turnout for our 2013 reunion.  The problem is that much of what I remember about high school, I have tried to drink away in subsequent irresponsible college years and the following useless years of my twenties.  It's not that I hated high school or was bullied or picked on (that I can remember, anyway), but let's say for the sake of simplicity that I was a late blooming tomboy geek who hasn't really learned much since high school except that alcohol is delicious and having boobs is awesome.

So apparently, I'm supposed to show up to this shindig with a bunch of people who already knew me as a late blooming tomboy geek and stand there awkwardly when they ask me what it is that I do and I tell them that I'm a writer in my soul just because I don't think I'm really qualified to do anything other than that and then brace myself for the inevitable "Oh?  What have you written?  Have you published anything?" where I will stare at them blankly and drain my whiskey neat while they talk about their husbands/wives/careers/babies.  At this point, I'm already starting to envision an evening like in Zack and Miri Make A Porno and I'll probably end up hitting on one of the men I crushed on in high school and striking out again because he's secretly a gay porn star.  One can only hope.

I'd be much more apt to let all of this go and journey down that road of not giving a fuck what others may think of my "brand" of success if I wasn't already mid-crisis about everything right now.  We'll see where I end up in a year and a half, and if all else fails, I'll just show up topless and drunk because that is at least capitalizing on what I've learned in the years since high school, and life, my friends, is all about personal growth.

Whatever, idiot, this makes sense to me.

Fellow Nerd Friend:  Hey, TAB! Long time no see!  How're the fellas treating you?

Me:  Oh, just one fella these days, and pretty good.

FNF:  Wow, really?  So you have a new boyfriend?

Me:  No, I mean, not really.

FNF:  So just dating?

Me:  Well, sort of... I mean, we like each other and we hang out.  You know.

FNF:  I'm confused.  Let's say you have to quantify it in Facebook terms.  Are you guys an "it's complicated" thing?

Me:  Oh, goodness no!  It's not complicated!  That status is for scandalous college kids who don't want to admit that they're boning several people at once.  I mean, we both like each other, and his plans are kind of up in the air right now, and he knows I'm moving, so I think we're trying to keep it simple.  Not that we've talked about it, because it's like, still new and I don't think we *need* to talk about it yet.  I think we're both just trying to do this one day at a time and see how it goes.  We both agree that we don't want to over think it, though.

FNF:  So... are you guys dating other people?

Me:  Um, I don't think so.  I don't really know.

FNF:  Weren't you just telling me that you were ready for a long-term, serious commitment?

Me:  Right, yes.  Totally.

FNF:  ::eyebrows of skepticism::

Me:  Committing to non-commitment counts as something.

FNF:  So, it's complicated?!

Me:  I really hate both you and Facebook today.

It's depressing when you realize your life is like a Dilbert comic.

Coworker:  Hey, TAB, I need you to do Task A for me and email Unrelated Person and let him know as soon as Task A is finished.

Me:  I already completed Task A.  I sent out an email confirmation on Monday.  I don't even know who Unrelated Person is.

Coworker:  Yeah, he's new.  Can you just do Task A again and tell Unrelated Person?  I just sent you an email about it.

Me:  Wouldn't it be easier to just send Unrelated Person my original email from Monday, stating that Task A was already taken care of?

Coworker:  No.

5 minutes passes.  An email appears in my inbox.  It is from Unrelated Person.  It says, "Coworker, I just found the email stating that Task A was finished this past Monday.  Thanks for following up."

Coworker:  TAB, did you do Task A and email Unrelated Person like I asked?

Me:  Oh, didn't you see Unrelated Person's last email?

Coworker:  Yes.

Me:  ...

Coworker:  Well?

Me:  (Sigh.)  Yes.

Things that PMS will give you:

1. The ability to eat half a box of Girl Scout cookies, cheesy pasta loaded with butter, cinnamon sugar oatmeal, biscotti with coffee and a handful of hard candies and still not feel full, when you normally survive on a handful of almonds and a piece of fruit in the AM hours.

2.  The understanding and rationalization that by drinking a 5.5 oz. V-8 with all of those foods, you're undoing all of the calories you just consumed, and are healthier for it.

3.  A surprisingly vitriolic intolerance to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (when you were previously apathetic about the youngsters) because 10-year olds should not be making more money than you.

4.  Anxiety and paranoia that everyone is mad at you, because you are already convinced you're being a bitch based solely on the negative thoughts you have about everything around you, even though you've been alone in your office all day and haven't actually interacted with anyone.

5.  The inability to distinguish between good idea texts and bad idea texts.  Example:  Cute Boy:  "How are you today?"  Good idea:  "I'm not feeling well today and am a bit stressed out."  Bad idea:  "Trying to figure out what my coworker wants me to do makes me want to strap her down and take a rusty cheese grater to her face."  It's sort of like drunk texting, except you have no excuse for atrocious spelling and grammar errors.

6.  The unmistakable urge to cry at the Golden Girls theme song.  Thank you for being a friend...::sob::

7.  The idea that french fries are a good dinner.

8.  The belief that people want to hear you bitch about your PMS.

9.  The inability to deal with bad traffic long lines a freezing office cold air people anything.

10.  But also?  A legal defense in case you go batshit and take a rusty cheese grater to someone's face.  Not that I would consider doing that.

I really do like yoga, though.

I'm really sucking at blogging, you guys.  I was so jazzed for my blogiversary and have been wanting to post something entertaining, but the fact of the matter is that I've just been the opposite of entertaining.  Also, I've been slacking.  Which is not an excuse, just a statement of fact.  A statement of fact that I am *using* as an excuse.

Also, J.R. just moved across the country away from me for this amazing job opportunity, so I'm excited about her but also kind of cranky because I miss her because she helps make me feel normal when I say things like "the commitment center in my brain is broken," and she'll smile in a way that is not at all condescending, but more like, "dude, me too.  Wanna get sushi and drink?"  Because that's how we do it here in California.  Then we talk about yoga and granola and the best places to surf.  Gnarly, bro.

Kidding.  Don't worry, rest-of-the-country.  I'd punch myself in the face if that's how it really was.

Though I did have a discussion about yoga this morning.  Damn it.

Love yourself some Natalie Dee.