Pre-New Year's Resolutions

You know how every January people make up all these useless, shitty lists about how they're going to improve their lives in the coming year? These people call them "New Year's Resolutions" and I have always hated that tradition. Well, come to think of it, I hate a lot of other New Year's traditions, like that "kiss at midnight!" bullshit. Honestly, I've kissed more girls at midnight than guys and let me tell you, the subsequent year is usually no better or worse because of it. Also, it's a scientific fact that girls are better kissers than guys. Einstein said that. Probably.




Anyway, EM is really good about making these neat little lists of things that she wants to accomplish throughout the year, and even though I'm biased, her lists are really the best because it's never like, "I'm going to lose fifteen pounds!" or "I'm going to stop eating so many cheesy, fried things" and "I'm not going to get drunk by myself on weekdays!" which is probably what all of mine would be, but you don't have to worry about that last one because I'm a writer and as a breed, we're only successful when we're alcoholics. I'm drinking my way to success!


So as I was saying, EM's lists are really good because they're all things that are realistic goals, but are also things that would probably improve anyone's outlook on life. One time she put skydiving on her list, and she totally did it. She braved it. She also has things on there like reconnecting with old friends, traveling to places she's never been and setting new career goals for herself. Come to think of it, TOL did the same thing. He, too, was an accomplisher.


As someone with a painfully short attention span, I have a hard time making resolutions because I often change my mind throughout the year. If I were to say something like, "I'm going to stop swearing so god damn often," but then ended up writing a short story with a white trash narrator or transcribing an interview with some metalhead punctuating his sentences with "fuck," it's fair to say those words would creep back into my vocabulary. Ultimately, I would feel like a failure, and I don't like feeling that way. I can barely handle it when I lose at Scrabble. As a result, I've come up with a modified list of resolutions that I am going to accomplish by next October, because they are awesome and/or easy and I will probably not lose interest in them.


1. Get amazing at FPS (first person shooter, for you non-nerds out there) games.


2. Learn to cook/bake ONE thing better than everyone you know. (I was interested in sugar cookies last month, but now I'm interested in cinnamon rolls. Let's not get too specific with the resolution, though, shall we?)


3. Stop making excuses about financial responsibility and buy the goddamn Loubs that you've wanted for two years.


4. Probably learn to not be so afraid of ants. Spiders are still fucking terrifying, though, so it's cool to be afraid of them.


5. Stop making excuses about watching documentaries and bad SyFy movies. You're a nerd, and everyone already knows.


6. Now that you've mastered the art of haiku, learn the art of limericks. Especially dirty and/or zombie ones.


7. Finally decide which is better: Coke or Pepsi.


8. Travel somewhere outside your comfort zone.


9. Make more mixes on your iPod.


10. Also take a lot more pictures. We have fun doing that and we want to get better at it.


11. Find and watch all Bruce Campbell movies that you haven't seen yet.


Done and done. Ef you, January, not only do I make lists with uneven numbers, but I make my resolutions WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.