Alcohol Disguises Social Ineptitude. (But not really.)

This weekend was Halloween, which is proven to be one of the best holidays because you get to dress up like a maniac, get jacked on too-much-candy sugar and try to come down from said sugar high by countering with too-much-booze. My plan was to chase cupcakes with beer and then pee out all the sugar so that I'd be at some kind of idly inebriated equilibrium, because life is all about balance, kids.

I wound up at a party Saturday night with Billie, her younger brother and her roommate and began the drinking part of my plan. Half a bottle of wine and two cheap beers later, the three of us ladies surveyed the cute boy situation. Partly swaying with my wine bottle in one hand and my beer in the other, I made the command decision to indulge my inner nerd and scope out the Cute Boys in Superhero Costumes, of which there were a few. I figured we could at least bond over comic books, and then maybe bond some more by making out. Bow chica bow bow.

Sorry. I won't do that again.

Anyway, I dragged Billie around the sort-of-huge house on the hunt for Spiderman, who I thought was very cute but Billie said was too short. I said it didn't matter - he had lovely brown eyes and was wearing a Spiderman costume. We already had so much in common!

Milling about and keeping my eyes open for the adorable Spiderman, we ran into a Superman/Clark Kent who I also deemed attractive. We had a really romantic exchange that went something like:

Me: "Oh! You're from New York! What is it that you do?"

Superman: "I'm a comedian."

Me: "That's cool! More in the sitcom arena or stand-up type stuff?"

Superman: "I actually hate both sitcoms and stand-up."

Me: "Oh. :: awkward silence :: So, I really like your costume! Are you a big comic book fan?"

Superman: "Not really."

:: Crickets chirp. A tumbleweed blows by. Someone in the audience coughs. ::

Me: "So, how do you like L.A.?"

Superman: "I don't." :: Superman looks over his shoulder with a random, irritated look ::

Me: "Okay. I'm going to go stand over here now."

Obviously, I am smooth and charming, so if you'd like to know how to spend your next party like The Average Broad, commence as follows:

Chug some wine. Drink a beer. Coerce the girl dressed like Snooki to fist-pump for a photo even if she looks mad and you look drunk. Slow dance with Billie, her brother and her roommate all at the same time, a la "Romy and Michelle." Finish bottle of wine. Refill bottle with keg beer. Deem it to be undrinkable. Drink it anyway. Have slurring discussion with man in toga about the finer points of Arthur Miller's collected works. Hunt for Spiderman again. Realize Spiderman has left the building. Refill empty wine bottle with keg beer again. Apologize for bumping into the booty of a guy wearing white pants. Ask guy if he's John Travolta from "Saturday Night Fever." Call him John Travolta even when he says that's not what his costume is. Intentionally bump into his booty again. Decide that next year, you will dress up as Bill Lumbergh from "Office Space." Have another romantic exchange with someone dressed up as Antoine Dodson about who has the better costume. His comes with a catch phrase, so he wins. Finish second wine bottle full of beer. Decide you are ready to go home. Pass out on your couch watching infomercials.

It's hard out here for a pimp.