I drunk text about dinosaurs, apparently.

Hey guys, I've missed you.  Sorry I've been so distant, but we both know I just do that from time to time.  It's not you, it's me.  I still love you though, and I've been (mostly) faithful to you.

So as if you didn't know, the last month or two have been pretty awful.  My family has been dealing with some difficult shiznit that I'm not really gonna go into, suffice it to say that things are on the mend (we hope).  As a result of this depressive state, EM and I have been struggling to keep our spirits afloat and may have indulged in some less than healthy habits, like eating an entire batch of cupcakes in just under two days. 

...and getting hammered while watching the replay of the royal wedding this weekend.  (Because how fucking amazing did Kate look?  I love a classy broad.)  And then discussing "wedding fever" and the upcoming nuptials of a lovely, well-to-do friend and needing to get obliterated again last night.  Monday night.  (When I say 'night' I actually mean 'afternoon')  What?!  Don't judge me like you've never gotten drunk on a weekday afternoon.  Anyway, so maybe I was the only one drinking, but EM was in the room so it's not like I was drinking alone which is for college kids and alcoholics, of which I am neither (anymore) so whatever. 

Now that you're here, uterus-deep in crazy with me, be advised that after much research (re:  googling a couple things) EM and I have decided to do this 28-day "wellness" detox thing to get the leftover cupcake cholesterol and lingering alcohol and weighty depression out of our veins and give ourselves a much-needed fresh start.  Before you start judging me again (jeez you guys need to be more accepting) know that I am not a fan of things like the so-called "master cleanse" and other stupid shit that involves eating only grapefruits and drinking horse piss or whateverthefuck.  I've opted into this shiznit because it appears to be a healthy balance of exercise and fresh fruits and veggies and limiting your intake of processed foods on a gradual basis.  As you all know, I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny kid and I love my red meat, bacon, whiskey and Guinness and holy crap, coffee, what am I going to do without you?!  Die, probably. 

Last night while I was on my way to Drunksville, I had briefly considered slowly eliminating caffeine and red meat and processed deliciousness from my diet to make the overall 'detox' thing less of a shock to my body, but then by the time I was sending vowel-less text messages about "banking on dinosaur eggs???;alsk" (yeah I don't remember wtf that was about) I decided that since I'm going to go for an entire freaking month without my delicious things, I'm going on an all-out debauchery bender this week, obviously kicked off by getting sauced yesterday and carried on by getting big fuck-off burgers for dinner.  Probably finishing that margarita mix in the fridge, too.  You know, to remove temptation.  (Detox starts this weekend, kids.)

I'll try to keep my progress update bitching minimal. 

Stop having revelations that everyone has already had.

My coworker just came into my office grinning like someone heavily medicated and asked me if I knew why he was so cheerful all the time.  I raised an eyebrow at him.

"I think it's just because I'm so happy to be alive.  That's why I don't want to get married - in case it would depress me."

I laughed because for my coworker, this was some kind of revelation - as if no man in the history of the planet has ever had this same thought. 

I didn't bring up the fact that my father is currently at my mother's bedside in the hospital and has been for the past five days and would not choose to be anywhere else in the world right now.

Sometimes I feel like I am rebelling against my own generation for wanting previously conventional things - marriage, children, family meal times, things (I will openly admit) I used to look down upon.  People say that you inevitably turn into your parents when you get older.

For the most part, I really hope so.

Why I'm excited for the apocalypse and how you can be, too!

At the risk of sounding complacent, I am mutha-fuckin' ready for some natural disaster-apocalypse shit to happen.  Preparedness runs in my veins, you guys, a gift (in part) from my ass-kicking, pirate chasing (seriously, that happened fo real) military officer father.  The other half of that is from my ass-kicking, sharpshooting (she has a medal), military officer mother.  Holy balls, TAB, you must have had an insane upbringing!  Not so much, voice-in-my-head, EM and I had a relatively normal childhood.  But when you go through survival training and organization and ass-kicking lessons in the military (like my parents did) they drill that stuff so far into your head that it hits you square in your genetics, which is why EM and I are genetically programmed to outlast even cockroaches and Keith Richards and Twinkies.  Are you following this logic with me?  Good.

So when things like Katrina and Haiti and Japan and Chernobyl and the end of the dot-com era and the breakup of Pangaea and the end of the dinosaurs at the hand of alien robot overlords who will probably return happen, EM and I will be waiting, ready to rule the land like kings because we are so much more prepared than everyone else, except my parents. And probably the president, because I imagine they have him pretty prepared for this kind of thing.  Oh, and unless you have some kind of bunker or lead-lined basement, in which case I'm jealous and we should be friends so that we can talk about our emergency plans and survival kits together.  (Does yours involve bacon?  Because mine does!)

Now, because you lovely people are actually reading this ridiculous blog, I'm going to impart some of my wisdom to you about what you really need to be prepared for some kind of disaster.  What KIND of disaster you ask?  ALL KINDS, including, but not limited to:  earthquake, tornado, hurricane, tsunami, cyclone, wildfire, volcano, nuclear meltdown, zombie/bear/shark attack, monsoon, flood, flash flood, solar eclipse, lunar eclipse, getting lost in the forest or at sea, something involving a desert or extreme drought and finally, getting in a death match with Bear Grylls because you have a cache of fresh water and he is left drinking snake blood and the water squeezed from elephant poop.

Let's discuss the two types of emergency kits you need:  an Oh Shit! kit and an Armageddon Box.  Your Oh Shit! kit should be small and compact enough that you can grab it in less than five minutes and run, especially if there is something like a tsunami or a dinosaur chasing you.  It should have enough supplies to sustain you for two days.  Your Armageddon Box should be something slightly more long term, and this would be something that you could rely on if parts of the infrastructure collapsed and you needed to camp out somewhere for 10 to 14 days, or until you heard over the radio waves that the military had cleared your city of the zombie plague and you're safe to return to your abode.  Both of these kits should be easily accessible - for example, since EM and I live in Los Angeles and spend most of our time in traffic, our Oh Shit! kits are in the trunks of our cars.  Our Armageddon Box is in our carport.  It's smart to keep supplies in a couple different locations, in case you can't get to one.

There are three rules that you should keep in mind when getting your kits together:

1.  Depending on your location, you need to make sure you are dry, warm, watered and fed. 

2.  The rule of 3:  a human can last 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food and 3 times 3 is 9.  Wait, forget that last part, that's not part of the same rule...

3.  Be aware, use common sense, and remember:  shoot 'em in the head, and they'll stay dead.  (Especially useful when fighting zombies and Bear Grylls.)

Here are some things that you should consider having in your Oh Shit! kit:

• Drinking water and water purification tablets (at least a gallon, but FYI, you should have a gallon per person per day)
• Food for two days (you can get compact and semi-tasty MREs at any army/navy surplus store)
• A first aid kit
• A flashlight and extra batteries, or even better, a hand-crank flashlight
• A clean, dry change of clothes
• A space blanket
• A small emergency radio
• A multi-tool (like a Leatherman) or a Swiss Army Knife, something with a can opener for canned food
• Waterproof, windproof matches or a fire-starting flint
• Maps of your area
• A dust mask (to help against dust and also airborne biologicals that will zombiefy you)
• Baby wipes, toilet paper, pads/tampons and garbage bags for "personal sanitation"
• A small tool kit:  wrench, pliers, screwdriver  (important for turning off utilities)
• Road flares and a whistle (should you need to signal for help)
• Bear spray (not just for bears/Bear Grylls!  That's a 30 ft. radius of spicy protection, my friends)

That should help you last for a couple days.  Granted, that is if you're in a climate like I am (in southern California) and we don't have to worry too much about cold, wet weather and our main concern would be having clean water.  If you're in some place like Seattle where water is more accessible and you would be more concerned about staying warm and dry, I'd seriously consider having rain gear and the little chemical hand warmers in my Oh Shit! kit.  Remember, keep this one the most easily accessible to you and in a backpack or bag that you could carry.  If you can't lift it because it's too heavy, it's not going to do you any good.

Here's what you should consider having in your Armageddon Box:

• A small tent
• Plastic tarps to go under said tent (wet ground = wet tent = wet sleeping bag = unhappy)
• A sleeping bag
• More water!  Hooray!
• More food!  Hooray!
• Another first aid kit!  Hooray!  With any prescription meds that you may need, sunscreen and a first aid book so you can know how to treat things like broken arms and shark bites.
• Don't forget your pets!  Food and water for them, too.
• A secret stash of cash
• A portable water filtration kit
• A mess kit with pots and pans, paper utensils
• A small camp stove
• A lantern
• Bigger tools:  a shovel, an ax, a machete
• IF you're familiar with firearms and firearm safety (and yes, I am), a pistol

Above all, have a plan.  How are you going to get in touch with your family, especially if cell phones and land lines are down?  Pick an evacuation route and a meeting place, and then have a backup plan.  Also, here is a great resource for helping you to get your shit together:  http://www.ready.gov/america/index.html.

Now that you're on your way to being prepared for the apocalypse and for Bear Grylls to creep in and try to bogart your stuff, be sure to maintain your kit.  Food, water, and medicine all expires, so be smart about it and update it once a year. 

If you've come this far with me, you're probably so gaddamn prepared for everything that you're just itching for the opportunity to use your Oh Shit! kit and your Armageddon Box, and you should be.  Just remember to be smart and sane about everything, don't panic, and keep an eye open for Bear Grylls.  Being friends with Bruce Campbell couldn't hurt, either.

Obviously I just do not want to shut up about food.

I know that I've posted a few things about food on this blog and you guys are probably sick of me talking about it and want to hear something entertaining or juicy about the fellas, but this is sort of the wrong time of year for me because I'm usually running around like a hummingbird on Aderol trying to get all the holiday stuff done for family and friends and I just don't have the time or inclination to toss out some holiday-themed pick up lines and it's hard to wink at boys in bars all saucy-like if your eye is twitching from stress and too much coffee. I've been told it looks like I'm having a seizure when I try to do that, so point taken, gentlemen. Moving on.

Christmas is a time when my family gets even more excited about being in the kitchen than we normally are, especially my mom and EM and I. EM isn't much of a kitchen-lover, but you should see her tackle a batch of candy cane cookies. She will effing bake your face off. We stick to our family traditions, but a few years ago I thought it would be a great idea to get all fancypants and try to make some peppermint bark, because everyone in the entire world loves peppermint bark and if you don't I probably wouldn't ever really trust you completely, sort of like those people who don't like chocolate and bacon. It makes me think there's something wrong with you a little bit, and considering I just compared myself to a hummingbird on Aderol, that is saying something.

Anyway, I went and got dark chocolate and white chocolate and peppermint extract and candy canes and was determined to make peppermint bark so good that world peace really *would* have been a legit possibility because everyone would have been united by the deliciousness of my holiday candy. What happened when this candy was finished was something like a disaster of epic proportions meeting up with some kind of culinary angel magic. I don't really know how it happened. Maybe Jesus looked down from his Laz-E Boy in the clouds and took pity on my horrific cooking errors and was all, "That looks like crap. Maybe I'll help out and make it taste good at least, so that she doesn't have a Christmas meltdown."

Because oh baby, did it taste good. So in the spirit of the holidays and giving and Jesus and puppies and rainbows and all, I'm going to give you guys my recipe for one of my favorite edible holiday mistakes - Christmas Fark.

(Sounds kind of dirty, huh?!)

Christmas Fark was the frankensteined peppermint bark that sort of ended up with a softer side - not quite bark, but not quite fudge, but a wonderful blending of the two. Sort of like the texture of a Hershey's bar on an August day in SoCal, but less melty. It's not fudge, it's not bark, it's fark. Get it? Good. Here's how you handle it:

Crap You Need:

1 c. crushed candy canes (more or less depending on how pepperminty you like it)
1 lb GOOD dark chocolate (don't skimp out, the better the chocolate, the better the fark)
1 lb GOOD white chocolate (seriously it's gonna be so good omg)
1/2 tsp. peppermint extract
2 tbsp. heavy cream
A cookie sheet covered in plastic wrap or wax paper

Crap You Do:

So, the most fun part of this is crushing up the candy canes. Unwrap 'em and really go to town on them. You can take out all of your stress and holiday blues and "don't YOU tell me to ease up on the Christmas cookies, you dingbat!" on a Ziploc bag full of candy cane pieces until they're good and pulverized. It's cool to have a few big bits because it looks more festive or something.

Chop up the dark chocolate and try not to eat a lot of it. I mean, a few nibbles are okay to "test the quality" but make sure most of it goes into the top part of a double boiler. You have to melt this chocolate gently and keep stirring it. Watch it closely, as if it is a beautiful shirtless man or a Christian Louboutin shoe parade. When it's mostly melted, add in one tbsp of the heavy cream and keep stirring until it's all incorporated. By this time, it should be pretty liquidy. Pour it out onto the cookie sheet and give it a wiggle to make sure it spreads out all even-like. Let it set up a bit, maybe an hour or so. It doesn't have to be super hard, just solid enough that it'll stay on the bottom when you pour the white chocolate on top.

Next, chop up the white chocolate and melt it slow like you did with the dark chocolate. Add in the peppermint extract and the other tbsp of cream and stir it up, little darling, stir it up. When it's looking liquidy, pour it on top of the layer of dark chocolate. Give it another wiggle so that it spreads out well, and then sprinkle the crushed candy canes on top. Let it set for another couple hours or so, until it's firm. Cut it up into pieces and keep them all to yourself. (Or wrap them up and give them away, if you're into that kind of thing. You know, whatever.)

One time, EM and I fought a bear.

I started writing this one post about Halloween costumes yesterday and then 1/3 of the way through it I realized it was remarkably whiny and obnoxious because I basically just listed all of the things that bug me about slutty lady costumes. Also, I realized I didn't want to offend anyone and I don't know if anyone who reads this crappy blog likes slutty lady costumes or likes slutty ladies or maybe is a slutty lady, because hey, I'm not here to judge.

Instead, I'm going to tell you guys the story about the time that EM and I went up against a bear and lived to tell the tale.

Most of my family vacations involved camping. My father, an outdoorsman of Bear Grylls caliber, believed that it was important for EM and I to learn important life skills in the event of some kind of natural disaster, so that we could retreat to the woods where the zombies would be less numerous (all of my natural disaster scenarios involve zombies) and carve out a living by purifying our own water, making adequate shelter, hacking at various shrubberies with a machete, and being prepared for absolutely every single thing that could happen. Rain? Snow? Hunger? Headache? Blister? Loss of appetite? Dirty fingernails? Dehydration? Getting lost? We've got it covered. Survivalism flows through my veins, along with Guinness and whiskey and cholesterol.

One of our favorite places to camp was (and still is, I suppose) Sequoia National Park. It's a wonderful and beautiful place with lots of geriatric trees and streams and meadows with frolicking deers and not that many bugs and is a lot less crowded than Yosemite - crowded, also, with bears.

When you first arrive at the park, you'll see plenty of signs posted about bears breaking into cars and that you should properly store your food in the provided "bear boxes" - huge steel things with chains and locks that black bears cannot break into, unless they took some kind of lock-picking course (which would probably be pretty helpful for any kind of person, not just bears, now that I think about it). Some people don't obey, though, and every year there are numerous break-ins and shattered window glass from the cars of people who think sticking their Snickers under the seat will be good enough. This results in the bears associating cars and people with food, and makes them naturally curious about vehicles.On this particular trip, my parents had set up their tent next to the smaller one that EM and I used, probably 4 or 5 yards away from our car. We had followed the campground (and my father's) rules to the letter - all food and dish washing/scented items stowed safely in the bear box, nothing food-like or scented or potentially delicious-looking anywhere around the car, or in our tents - not even cherry chapstick or toothpaste. We were vigilant, because you do not ef with bears.

EM and I zipped up our tent but for a small opening at the top of the tent flap for ventilation, wriggled into our sleeping bags and listened to the sounds of the forest. Crickets, owls, other gross bug-things, the stream by our campsite, weird sniffing noises...

Wait. Sniffing noises?

"EM," I whispered. "What's that noise? Do you hear that?!"

EM's eyes grew wide. "Look outside and see what it is!"

"You look outside!"

We crept to the zippered door of our tent and peeked out of the ventilation hole. Sure enough, standing on his hind legs and peering in the rear window of our car, was a large black bear. He sniffed around the window, then dropped to all fours to amble around our campsite, all less than 6 yards from the non-safety of our flimsy tent.

"DAD!" EM hissed. "DAD! Mom!"

My father grunted in reply.

"Dad!" I whispered frantically, thinking that death was just lurking around and we would all perish from some bizarre bear rampage any second now. "Dad! There is a bear outside!"

EM and I huddled together.

"What?" we finally heard my father say. He chuckled.

"He doesn't believe us!" EM said to me.

"Dad, seriously, there is a huge bear outside and we are all going to die unless you go scare it away!" I hissed.

My father grunted again, half-asleep. "A bear? Hm. Give it my regards," and he rolled over and went back to sleep. My mother said something about making noise to scare it away, and then the only noises we heard from their tent were the steady snore of my exhausted dad.

EM looked at me, panicked. "'Give it my regards!?' I don't want to make loud noises! What if it comes over here to investigate?!"

She had a point. I imagined that if I were a bear, I would be disconcerted and curious about a mysterious blue triangle tent emitting shouts and shrieks. I would haul my bear-ass over and maul it, just because I was a bear. Just because I could.We peeked out of the tent. It was still lumbering around, this time closer to us. Sniffing around our fire pit.

Quietly, cautiously, hesitantly and tentatively, EM stuck her face up against the ventilation hole and whispered:

"Boogie boogie, bear!"

Nothing happened. EM looked at me, pleadingly. I moved closer to our tent flap.

"Hey Yogi!" I said, slightly louder. "I think you should go find Boo Boo and leave us alone!"

EM leaned in close and repeated, "Boogie boogie, bear!"

We both looked out towards where the bear had been. He was gone. EM and I crawled back in our sleeping bags, satisfied that our ferocious caterwauling had frightened away one of nature's apex predators. All until, as we were drifting off to sleep, EM yawned and said, "But what if it comes back when we're sleeping?"

Neither one of us slept a wink that night.