I drunk text about dinosaurs, apparently.

Hey guys, I've missed you.  Sorry I've been so distant, but we both know I just do that from time to time.  It's not you, it's me.  I still love you though, and I've been (mostly) faithful to you.

So as if you didn't know, the last month or two have been pretty awful.  My family has been dealing with some difficult shiznit that I'm not really gonna go into, suffice it to say that things are on the mend (we hope).  As a result of this depressive state, EM and I have been struggling to keep our spirits afloat and may have indulged in some less than healthy habits, like eating an entire batch of cupcakes in just under two days. 

...and getting hammered while watching the replay of the royal wedding this weekend.  (Because how fucking amazing did Kate look?  I love a classy broad.)  And then discussing "wedding fever" and the upcoming nuptials of a lovely, well-to-do friend and needing to get obliterated again last night.  Monday night.  (When I say 'night' I actually mean 'afternoon')  What?!  Don't judge me like you've never gotten drunk on a weekday afternoon.  Anyway, so maybe I was the only one drinking, but EM was in the room so it's not like I was drinking alone which is for college kids and alcoholics, of which I am neither (anymore) so whatever. 

Now that you're here, uterus-deep in crazy with me, be advised that after much research (re:  googling a couple things) EM and I have decided to do this 28-day "wellness" detox thing to get the leftover cupcake cholesterol and lingering alcohol and weighty depression out of our veins and give ourselves a much-needed fresh start.  Before you start judging me again (jeez you guys need to be more accepting) know that I am not a fan of things like the so-called "master cleanse" and other stupid shit that involves eating only grapefruits and drinking horse piss or whateverthefuck.  I've opted into this shiznit because it appears to be a healthy balance of exercise and fresh fruits and veggies and limiting your intake of processed foods on a gradual basis.  As you all know, I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny kid and I love my red meat, bacon, whiskey and Guinness and holy crap, coffee, what am I going to do without you?!  Die, probably. 

Last night while I was on my way to Drunksville, I had briefly considered slowly eliminating caffeine and red meat and processed deliciousness from my diet to make the overall 'detox' thing less of a shock to my body, but then by the time I was sending vowel-less text messages about "banking on dinosaur eggs???;alsk" (yeah I don't remember wtf that was about) I decided that since I'm going to go for an entire freaking month without my delicious things, I'm going on an all-out debauchery bender this week, obviously kicked off by getting sauced yesterday and carried on by getting big fuck-off burgers for dinner.  Probably finishing that margarita mix in the fridge, too.  You know, to remove temptation.  (Detox starts this weekend, kids.)

I'll try to keep my progress update bitching minimal. 

Stop having revelations that everyone has already had.

My coworker just came into my office grinning like someone heavily medicated and asked me if I knew why he was so cheerful all the time.  I raised an eyebrow at him.

"I think it's just because I'm so happy to be alive.  That's why I don't want to get married - in case it would depress me."

I laughed because for my coworker, this was some kind of revelation - as if no man in the history of the planet has ever had this same thought. 

I didn't bring up the fact that my father is currently at my mother's bedside in the hospital and has been for the past five days and would not choose to be anywhere else in the world right now.

Sometimes I feel like I am rebelling against my own generation for wanting previously conventional things - marriage, children, family meal times, things (I will openly admit) I used to look down upon.  People say that you inevitably turn into your parents when you get older.

For the most part, I really hope so.

TGIF: Thank Gaga It's Friday.

For some reason, I've been having a lot of dreams about Dita von Teese lately. This is weird in itself because for the most part, I never remember my dreams. I guess when your subconscious has you making out with a famous burlesque dancer and your Dad walks in, there's something odd going on. I do remember her having a great red lipstick, though.

"Let's take stock of my love life, shall we?" I asked a close friend of mine today. "I'm having homosexually inspired dreams of Dita von Teese, the closest thing I have to a relationship is the video game time I'm logging in with Kratos from God of War, and the one potential date is with a guy from eHarmony who thinks I'm some kind of 'bad girl.'" He was sympathetic. Another friend, however, suggested I just get a cat and be done with it. Maybe I'll start knitting or scrapbooking, too. Screw it.

In other news, I'm 98% sure my office thinks my job is useless, evidenced by the fact that my bosses keep trying to stick me with random tasks that have nothing to do with my job description. Perhaps I'm supposed to represent some sort of catch-all, like that junk drawer you have in your kitchen - or in my case, entire bedroom. Regardless, it's irritating because most (okay, some) of the time, I work really hard and frankly, I don't have time to be your junk drawer. I'm protesting by blogging at work. Suck it. One day, I'll hear back from one the countless editorial jobs that I've applied to in New York and this won't matter.

Bad things about today:

-I forgot my lunch today, thought I lost my glasses yesterday, and am having memory problems in general which makes me feel like I'm closing in on some younger strain of Alzheimer's.

-Random realizations about my ridiculous love life.

-Still no news about Mamma-San's most recent cancer scan.

-P.S. I'm really hungry because I forgot my lunch.

Good things about today:

- I'm wearing my new nOir spike rings from Gilt.com that would leave horrible dents in a person's face, should I choose to punch them.

- I'm going out with EM and her boyfriend to his productions wrap party, where EM and I will get to play Surly Artsy Types, drink in the corner, and judge people.

-No cancer news is *usually* good news.

Okay, divide and conquer. It's Friday, let's stick with the good things.