I'm like Buffalo Bill! But without the dress made of skin.

You know, when he's walking around (in "Silence of the Lambs" for those of you who are like WTF?!) dressed up like a woman and he's all checkin' himself out and he goes, "Would you do me?  I'd do me." Or something to that effect - don't quote me because it's been a minute since I've watched that. 

Except that was me walking around in my work clothes, checkin' myself out in the bathroom mirror at my office like, "Would you hire me?  I'd hire me."  Don't you guys do that?  No?  Oh.  Well then.

Me (to MEH):  Last night, I emailed the managing editor of Seattle Magazine about an internship there, so I'm hoping she writes me back today and sends me an application.

MEH:  "Thank the High Holy Jesus you emailed, TAB. We'd love to offer you a job!"

Me:  I would jizz my pants if she did, but I'm actually just hoping she'll let me apply for the internship.  "I will kill your enemies if you let me have this internship.  Or just fetch coffee if you want to be all 'by the books' about it."

MEH:  Ha ha.

Me:  "My point is, I'm flexible....because I took yoga and ballet and gymnastics when I was younger.  If that offends you, please forward this letter to any male editor on staff."

MEH:  lol

Me:  "Or lesbian.  Like I said, I'm flexible."
 
You guys, my cover letter is *practically* written.

This post already makes me judge myself, so you don't need to.

Apparently William and Kate adopted a penguin at the Chelsea Zoo.  Reason #2,000,000 why I want to be a princess:  everyone lets you have ridiculous pets and no one bats an eye.  "Oh, Princess TAB has a bathtub full of sharks?  No worries, she's trying to impact depleted populations from shark finning.  It's so environmental!"

It's mornings like this that I'm reminded of something my Friend With Great Hair said about MEH and I.  "It's not that you're bad seeds, but you'll never grow into a fruitful tree."  I want that on my business cards.

Day two of my detox is going okay, though I realize now that I'm addicted to dairy.  I've been fantasizing about big, drippy ice cream cones for two solid days (yep, both days of this detox) and alternately recognizing and respecting that I could never be vegan because I would probably kill someone for even the lowliest slice of Kraft American cheese.

Freaking judgmental ice cream mofo. 

Also, hey, why did everyone hate "Sucker Punch"?  I liked it a lot.  I ask because I'm currently listening to the soundtrack and I have a hard time splitting my focus today.  Maybe it's the lack of ice cream in my diet.

Eggnog totally weirds me out.

I've had a couple random ideas about what I wanted to post since it's December and the holidays and all, but I haven't had time to sit down and write anything.

Sorry, Santa, yes, that was a lie. I have the time but I just haven't felt like any of my ideas have been good enough. Someone once told me I needed to work on my self-esteem. I've also been told that I'm a narcissistic, intellectual snob who's smart but definitely not smart enough to be an intellectual snob about it. Thanks a lot, college, that's all I was using you for anyway. The point is that maybe I need to work on my self-esteem and maybe I'm a narcissist and a snob. I just don't know how to please you people.

Anyway, I don't really have any point to this, so I'll give you a ten minute sample of things on my mind this time of year.

Me: I feel like I should decorate my office a little for Xmas but I don't want to have to take it down if they move me.

MEH: Hmm, I believe you should decorate your cup with alcoholic eggnog while all that gets sorted out.

Me: I will take the cup of alcoholic eggnog without the eggnog.

MEH: Right, whiskey it is.

Me: I feel like eggnog is what chickens would lactate if they had nipples and alcoholism. It sort of creeps me out.

MEH: Wow.

Me: Sorry. Hope I didn't just ruin the 'nog for you.

MEH: Nah, I hate eggnog. I never thought about alcoholic nipples, although now I am, and I'm revising my perfect woman.

Hey look, Ma! I'm all gradumacated! Part 3

So, how many of you got that Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go as a graduation present? Everyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Well, I did. It was great. It was awfully generic, though, and I was more in need of something like, "Hey, TAB! Don't worry about this! Focus on that! Don't apply to this internship, apply for that one instead!" You know, the specifics. In an effort to give you n00bz some of what I lacked, this is my attempt to impart the tiny bit of wisdom I possess to you in the easiest way possible.

Wait, what? Graduation advice? How did this all start?

Oh, I get it. So... then what happened?

Okay! Now that you're caught up, let's move on.

Part 3 of this ridiculous series is going to cover something that I am often asked about but probably should be giving advice on: resumes and cover letters.

Here's the thing: because I'm a writerly-type, friends, family, disaffected youths and the like often come to me asking for help, advice, and/or edits to their resumes and cover letters before they send them out to apply to jobs. Now, I am always happy to help a friend in need, but I feel rather unqualified to do so because of the fact that my resumes (yes, plural, more about that later...) and cover letters have failed to net me a whole lot of amazing jobs... or interviews, for that matter. Thus, I feel as though I am the *wrong* person to ask and frequently vocalize this, but still, they press on. I could be missing something intrinsically important or leaving something in that I should have taken out, and of course, every industry is looking for something different. I have, however, done some extensive research on the matter and have compiled a few points that everyone really *should* know about applying for jobs. With the above disclaimer, if you're not at all interested in my advice and you think I'm full of wrongness, don't pay any attention to the following and instead go watch the cutest puppy in the entire world.

1. COVER LETTERS:

DO NOT APPLY TO ANYTHING WITH A 'FORM' COVER LETTER! I cannot stress the importance of this one. We've all been there... you've been applying to jobs for hours and you're mentally exhausted and it's just so easy to cut out "Dear Company A" and replace it with "Dear Company B," but unless you want your job application to go directly into the trash bin, stop for a second. Put yourself in the shoes of the person receiving your cover letter. Instead of addressing it "To Whom It May Concern:" take the extra five minutes to search the company's website for a name, preferably in the HR department. Depending on the job posting, you might be able to call the company directly and ask to whom you should address your resume.

Additionally, stick to the form of a formal cover letter, BUT make sure you tailor each letter to each company. Companies want to know *why* you would be a perfect fit for the position with their company, so instead of just listing your skills, concisely explain how your skills could benefit their company. Specificity is key! For example, let's say you're applying to be Bruce Campbell's chainsaw technician and you spent years operating chainsaws as a rogue lumberjack. Instead of: "I am a very punctual and hard-working individual who can demonstrate a degree of expertise with chainsaws," use something like, "As a seasoned lumberjack who learned safe and efficient chainsaw operation at age 8, I've demonstrated my expertise with chainsaws year after year by cutting down over 400 trees annually, with absolutely no loss of appendages. Furthermore, last year I was nearly mauled by a rabid grizzly bear, but lived through the attack because I was able to think on my feet and improvise, using my chainsaw as a weapon. These skills can readily be applied to any type of adversary, as I understand your need to use your chainsaw against zombies."

Also important: remember how I told you to tailor your letter to the job/company? Hiring folks want to know that you're familiar with their company and the specific needs of that job. Wording your letters to show that you know something about them is vitally important, hence how we ended our letter: "These skills can readily be applied to any type of adversary, as I understand your need to use your chainsaw against zombies." DEFINITELY REMEMBER: to check ALL spelling and grammar, have another person read your cover letter to catch mistakes that you missed, double check your contact information (there should be AT LEAST TWO WAYS TO CONTACT YOU! Email and phone number work just fine), if you're enclosing your resume and clips/samples of your work, be sure to add an "Enc. 1 Resume, 3 Clips" line after you sign your letter.

2. THE RESUME!

Okay, one time after I graduated college, my dad was like, "you need more than 1 resume!" and I was all, "sure I do, Dad... ::rolls eyes in that obnoxious know-it-all way::" and then I started broadening my job hunt (re: I couldn't get a job so I had to expand my search) and I started not only applying to writing jobs, but editing jobs, publishing jobs, coffee making jobs, book selling jobs, etc. Every time I did, I sent out the same resume and cover letter and guess what? No one called me back. Then, I was complaining to my dad again about how I was a useless, unhireable sack of meat and waste of space and my dad asked me once more, "well, which resumes are you sending out?" and I was all, "uh."

So I revamped my resume! I started with 3, but I have more versions now. I made one for writing jobs, one for editing jobs, and a general one for retail/coffee/bitch jobs. Each resume specifically focuses my skills into what I think the Hiring Gods would want. Granted, fresh out of college, I didn't have a lot of experience to put on said resumes, so I had to get creative. With the exception of things I had published in high school and college, most of my "real" job experience was working in the kitchens on my college campus and some retail during summers. So... how did that all work for me? Well, I listed it on all 3 of my resumes under OTHER WORK EXPERIENCE and described how it demonstrated my leadership skills (I was promoted very quickly) and how I learned important lessons about management and employee relationships, customer service and patience, and the value of working efficiently.

Yep. I translated working behind the counter of a cafe into understanding how it's important to work quickly and meet the demands of a rushed customer, which, in my line of work, means I understand tight deadlines. You feel me?

As I was later able to add internships, experience and other crap to my resumes, more appropriate and relevant career moves slowly pushed my dining/cafe jobs off the page. You have to start somewhere, though, and you can definitely make those jobs work in your favor.

And speaking of pushing things off the page... keep the thing to one page. Put on the most important stuff. Also, depending on how conservative your industry is, you might want to leave off the "OBJECTIVE:" statement. Honestly, I've never had one on there and everything I've heard and/or read from hiring staff is that it's pretty damn useless. Obviously, everyone's objective is to get the job, have the job, succeed in the job, so unless you're delivering new information like "OBJECTIVE: to obtain teh skillz to rule the world" I'd say save the space for something that highlights your real skills and experience.

Please:

- keep it a legibly-sized font. Don't make anyone squint or struggle to read it, otherwise they won't.

- DOUBLE CHECK ALL SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION. Seriously! SO IMPORTANT!

- be creative with the descriptions of your skills, but don't lie. Saying you speak fluent Klingon and can demonstrate formidable origami skills on command will not help you, especially if you really don't know Klingon or origami. (But I might want the job that required them! Cool...)

- don't be afraid to talk yourself up, but don't be a dbag, either. Find the balance between explaining your skills, awards and accomplishments and telling people you're the greatest thing since sliced bread.

- did I mention double checking all spelling and punctuation?

There's really so much more, but I think this covers all the basics. I heartily wish you all the best of luck in your job hunt and hope my advice has been helpful. If not, definitely go check out that puppy link. Seriously, so cute.

Also, I'd be more than happy to offer up any additional advice to anyone interested. You can post questions in the comment section with your email address and I'll be thrilled to respond.

So you can't be a Capricorn *and* a criminal?!

I often enjoy telling people "I'm a Capricorn" because, though I don't really believe horoscopes and astrology hold much weight in the natural-scientifical-logic-y world, it is an excellent excuse for me to explain some of my more undesirable neuroses. For some reason, a lot of people in L.A. follow horoscopes pretty closely, so when I get asked about my need for detailed 'to do' lists, my devotion to my less-than-fulfilling job or forgoing things like "a social life" in favor of staying in to write, I can merely shrug my shoulders and say, "Ha ha! Well, I'm a Capricorn!" They'll nod knowingly, and I'm spared the embarrassment of having to say something like, "I have to have 'to do' lists because I can never remember anything unless I write it down. I actually don't remember what your name is, or why I'm talking about my 'to do' lists. Where am I?"

As a Capricorn, I make a lot of well thought out plans that almost never come to fruition. Case in point: The New York Move Financial Plan.

After doing extensive research (typing things into Google and asking friends), I came to the conclusion that in order to move to my dream city without a job waiting for me, I need to have enough money saved to support myself for three months, plus moving expenses.

I need $10,000.

That is not an exaggerated figure. That gives me about $2,500 a month for three months, plus another $2,500 for moving expenses and plane tickets. Unfortunately, I have never seen that kind of money in my life because I am a law-abiding citizen (but not in that cool way like Gerard Butler) and I do not have the patience to net myself a Sugar Daddy (the financial supporting type, not the candy, which is delicious and much easier to come by). I'm not a computer genius like Bill Gates, the only 'old money' I know of is the change in a piggy bank at home from my childhood, I do not have publishers salivating to publish anything of mine, and I do not play the lottery because as long as the Twix bars in the vending machine are 75 cents, my dollar bills will never see the inside of that 7-11 cash register.

This leaves me with two options:
1. Drug dealing, and
2. Stripping

The problem is that what little I knew about drugs from junior high health class has since been replaced by other important facts and skills, like acceptable two-letter Scrabble words and Great White shark trivia and general game rules for beer pong. Additionally, I have never bought drugs or sold before, so I'm pretty sure the interaction would go something like this:

Drug Buyer: "May I have a bag of drugs please?"
TAB: "Of course! Here you go. Your total comes to $500. Would you like a receipt?"
Drug Buyer: "This is a bag of Oreos."
TAB: "Right. Ohh... I see! Did you want the bag of goldfish crackers instead? Or perhaps this bag of rocks?"
Drug Buyer: "Crack rocks?"
TAB: "No. Just some rocks I picked up outside on my street. There's one in there that looks like a potato, if that should sway your opinion..."

That pretty much cancels out any hope of earning my thousands with drug money. The other problem that I have (just one, you say?) is that I have never been in a strip club. I have (of course) seen them on the teevee and in the movies, and I have read about them in books and magazines. I have a very basic, theoretical knowledge of what strippers do, which brings me to another roadblock: I do not like to be naked. Also, I'm told that strippers are often single mothers or drug addicts or putting themselves through school, and unfortunately, I do not have any kind of baby or coke habit or community college leanings.

Basically, this means that due to my lack of experience within the seedy underbelly of society, I'll have to get my money the stupid, legal way. So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make another extensive list of stupid, legal ways to make $10,000.

A Powerful Case of the GimmeGimmes.

Okay, I didn't blog yesterday. I did, however, work on transcribing some interviews so the day wasn't a total loss, and technically I kept my promise to write something every day. Besides, Thursday night margaritas didn't happen and I spent the evening cleaning and reorganizing my room, which is probably the most uninteresting thing in the world to write about. I decided to spare you those deets.

Yesterday was pretty uninteresting as well, with the exception that I pitched a beauty piece to a website regarding the new item on my ever growing wish list:

Tarina Tarantino's New Makeup Line. Behold~ the Victorian Punk collection available on Sephora.com. I have a powerful case of the gimmegimmes.