Friday, June 25, 2010

Why News Should Stop Ruining Our Lives, First Edition

Hey guys. Remember how that one time I was all, "I'm gonna start a blog but probably only write in it when I'm procrastinating from *real life work*?" Oh, you don't? Well, whatever. That happened. And then I felt like I had all these ridiculous and vaguely interesting things to say but totally got caught up in other stuff and mostly have been working on things like plot outlines and character developments and novella structure and website design and what exactly is a codex? Answer me that, WordPress. Also, this week I took a health quiz on and after answering a few questions said, "You probably have adult ADHD!" And I was maybe a little bit concerned, but was anyone really surprised? If you are one of the two people reading this blog (hi, mom!) you are most likely nodding and thinking, 'That explains so very much!'

Moving on.

I love reading. Blogs, newspapers, print magazines, news websites, gossip websites, the back of cereal boxes, scandalous Lycra-velour sweatpants ("What exactly is JUICY about your butt? Frankly, you should keep your colon problems to yourself, lady."). Lately, there seems to be a lot of bullshit happening and I think I'd like to join the chorus of bitch-ass whiners while presenting my own solutions. (Because stop complaining if you're not going to offer up another solution, okay?)

The Average Broad Presents: Why News Should Stop Ruining Our Lives. Edition 1.

Okay, let's start with the big, greasy elephant in the room. I'm looking at you, BP. Currently, you got rid of Smarmy Dbag Tony "I just want my life back!" Hayward. Bravo, there, but lest you forget, the Gulf is still actually on fire because of hemorrhaging toxic goo. Seriously. There's been some bitching complaining talk about like 2 billion dollars of BP's envirorape money going to help out the businesses in LA (not the LA where I live, which is a whole different kind of fetid screwball) and now people are all up in arms about how we should stop deep water drilling and just rely on foreign oil (that is actually what will happen because are YOU going to stop driving and using gasoline? Oh, you use public transportation? Well, those buses don't run on hopes and dreams. Maybe they run over them, but that was more of a Rosa Parks thing and that turned out okay). Everyone seems pretty content to throw money at the problem and sort of cross their fingers and be all, "Please work, please make them stop yelling at me!" Additionally, hurricane season is a-comin' and I think scientists have predicted something like toxic, apocalyptic oil-rain that will probably catch fire and fall in some kind of biblical manner. Not really, but I could see it happening. The whole thing is a clusterfuck that just gets worse with each passing day.

MY SOLUTION: Kevin Costner and James Cameron are really just the tip of the iceberg here - let's get Hollywood involved! All they're doing these days is putting out bad movies and fueling tabloid sales, so they definitely have the time and money to head on down to the south and figure out something useful. The team will consist of mostly directors, but not Michael Bay because he would probably favor throwing explosives at the oil slick, which, science tells us, would not help. I'd like to see Asylum get involved (they make all those awesome Sci Fi movies like Mega Pirahnna and Sharktopus) because I think marine disasters are really their realm of expertise. The team will be headed by Oprah, because that woman shits hundred dollar bills and can single-handedly destroy industries (remember the whole cattle rancher/red meat lawsuit? Mmm... steak...) with just one flippant comment. Oprah will be in charge, but have the assistance of James Cameron because he did that one movie about another maritime disaster and thinks he has the answers. Also, with Costner's new-fangled centrifugal oil gadget, it'll be like a trifecta of rich talented people coming together for the greater good. Take charge, Oprah!

Additionally, media coverage will be limited to one day a week, when every newspaper, blog and website is allowed to recap the events of the previous week. It shall be called "Fucked Fridays" and people will have the option to read until their heart's content about how we're all bad, over-consuming resource whores and then feel bad about it until everyone gets off work and goes to Friday happy hour! The other six days of the week can focus on other reasons why we're screwed, like Arizona's huge wildfire, McChrystal's foot-in-mouth disease, the shitty World Cup refs and the ridiculous *facepalm* of new reports finally getting it right that joblessness and economic despair has not, in fact, lessened to the degree that everyone was stating. Oh, and also that Meg Whitman pushed an Ebay employee or something. Maybe we should send her to the Gulf, too. You know, to like, help out or swim around or whatever. Maybe she can go push Hayward around.

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