Monday, August 9, 2010

Big Brother Google and The Spam Scam

I have 5 email addresses. I know. The thing is, they're all for different purposes. Yeah, I'm very aware it's a little excessive, but guess what? I'm from the Me Generation, and I like to feel that important. Just kidding. I hate having 5 email addresses. Mostly because I'm convinced that Google has it in for me.

(It is not unfounded paranoia!)

"Do you know what?" I said to MEH this morning, "I think my email is plotting against me. Let me just tell you, it is bent upon destroying me with fear-mongering spam. If I wake up in the morning and think, Man, I am getting a little squishier around the middle parts, I will inevitably have 50 diet and weight loss spam emails - it's like my email just wants to reinforce my insecurities. And then, if I think, Oh, I would really like to go out on a date and make out with a cute boy, my email will be like, LOOK HOW AWESOME DATING WEBSITES ARE!!! JOIN FIVE OF THEM NOW OR PREPARE TO DIE A LONELY OLD MAID. FEEL VALIDATED WITH YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE!"

MEH said that Google was like big brother.

"That explains why if I have just paid my bills, my email is like, "You know how you have no money right now? That's okay. Look at all these cute shoes and Victoria's Secret sales! Debt is for pussies! Look! Sales! Do you have a $600 copper mixing bowl? WHY NOT?! Don't worry, we've got one here for you! It's right here! Just pull out that Visa... You need this to have a fulfilled life, TAB."

"Maybe Google is self-aware now," MEH agreed.

"Wonderful. As if it wasn't troubling enough to have robot spider dreams, let's throw in the Gmail conspiracy. GOOGLE KNOWS YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST FEARS... and will email you advertisements about them."

"Things you didn't know you didn't, Google does," MEH contributed.

"Like, 'Hey, I know you're afraid of ants, but did you know they can also lift like 50 times their body weight? Can you imagine what that would be like if there were GIANT ANTS? Better stock up on Raid in bulk this weekend just in case! Here's a coupon for 5 cents off!"

You may think I'm paranoid, but I'm onto you, Google. Sure, I'm gonna go buy the Raid because the possibility of giant mutant ants actually does terrify me and you may be laughing now, but you just wait until the techologicapocalypse (I am totally copyrighting that term, bitches) befalls us and you'll come crawling back to me and my bunker and my bulk cans of Raid and Bruce Campbell will probably be there waiting for the zombies to show up, and you'll be like, "Hey... hey, TAB, remember all the good times we had searching for lolcat pictures while you were at work? Those were good times, man... so, listen, is there any room in that bunker for me?" And I will reflect for a moment, smile, and hand you an advertisement for discount bomb shelters from Home Depot.


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