Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hit-and-Run Conversations

Actual Work Conversation (with one of my bosses). See how it's enhanced by the hurricane of hormones caused by PMS!

Boss Man: Are you okay today, TAB? How are you?

Me: I'm okay, just a little tired today. How's life, Boss Man? (How am I? This job is awful, I have been battling a headache for 3 days and I just ate 3/4 of a chocolate bar for breakfast because if I don't do something to sate my raging PMS, I will probably end up in prison after an anger-fueled blackout. Also? I was 15 minutes late today because I woke up 4 minutes before I was supposed to be at work, my eyeliner is uneven, my hair is... let's just not even talk about my hair right now, and my headache is getting worse because one of your other employees just emailed me with "yes" to a question that I asked him that began with "how do you want me to do this?" Did you bring me alcohol?

Boss Man: Life's good! So, when are you getting married?

Me: ::I just got hit by a car face:: I... what? (You for sure picked the wrong week to ask this. OMG, TAB, how are we handling this question? Oh, nevermind, I see we're handling it with nausea)

Boss Man: Yeah! You know, settling down.

Me: Oh, uh, I'm not really... that's not in my... I don't think... Jesus, is it hot in here? Are you having a hard time breathing, too? Is that just me? (Are people allowed to ask that kind of question of single girls? What are you trying to do to me? WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!)

Boss Man: I just don't understand how people these days aren't open to all of life's possibilities, you know? You should consider everything an option at this age. How old are you?

Me: Twenty five. I'm uh... marriage is... (Is this what a panic attack feels like? Man, I will be so sad if I hurl that chocolate I had for breakfast... that was an expensive candy bar. Am I supposed to say something wise here about my life plans? Do I really have to talk about my future with my boss?)

Boss Man: Wow, twenty five? I thought you were much younger!

Me: Heh. (Well, how the hell am I supposed to react to that? I don't look twenty five?! SHOULD I BE BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT ALREADY ACCORDING TO YOU, BOSS MAN?! Wait, was that wrong? Is that what he means? Jesus, WHY is it so hot in here? Am I not a normal 25 year old because I panicked at him asking me about when I'm going to get married?!)

Boss Man: Okay, well it was good talking to you. Think about what I said!

Me: Oh, yep, I surely will. (Meaning what?! That I look immature and should be thinking about marriage right now? Did that just happen?! Where the hell is the rest of that chocolate bar?! If I eat it... will I vomit? I feel like I'm gonna vomit.)

Boss Man: ::pops his head back in my office:: Oh, and TAB?

Me: ::hovering on the brink of a nervous breakdown:: Yes, sir? (Oh, please just go, dude, there is nothing else I need to add to this bizarre and horrific conversation and why is it so damn hot in here? Please, just don't add anything else humiliating to this whole interaction, Boss Man.)

Boss Man: You've got some chocolate on your face.


  1. Should be titled "Hot-Chocolate?"

  2. Were you in an elevator when this conversation took place? Is Boss-Man perhaps interested?

  3. Oh Chicken, if this happened in an elevator, I would have collapsed. Probably. I don't think he's interested, per se, I think it's more of a sick pleasure on his behalf at inducing nauseating panic attacks in me and chuckle at my reaction. Sadistic.