Thursday, May 12, 2011

Even my imaginary relationship is dysfunctional.

There is a man in my office that has, on numerous occasions, asked me out.  We've been friends for a while, but last year he "declared his intentions" to date me.  I laughed it off because, as an awkward person, I laugh when I am uncomfortable.  Sometimes even when I'm mid-make out with a cute boy.

It's a problem.

This is the only way I want to eat your heart out - in cookie form.

Anyway, to spare my coworker/friend's feelings, I told him I was dating someone.  At the time, it wasn't COMPLETELY a lie because I had my sights set on a gorgeous dish and felt that it was only a matter of time before things panned out in my favor.  So maybe I was a little over-zealous out of the starting gate, which promptly exploded Michael Bay-style right in my face and said gorgeous dish went the way of the buffalo, but I didn't feel like I needed to share that with my coworker.  Things died down.

Until he started asking me about The Boyfriend.

I did what any panicked single woman would do in that situation - I lied my dirty little face off.

"Oh, he's... you know... in the industry..." I tried to be vague at first.

"What does he do in the industry?  Is he an actor?"  Coworker asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"N-no.  He uh, he's a stunt man," I was trying to veer closer to the truth, and technically the gorgeous dish that I failed to seduce was a stunt man.

"Oh yeah?  What's his name?  How old is he?  How often does he take you out?  What does your family think?  How did you guys meet?"  Coworker was obviously not giving up easily.

Based on the level of interest expressed in my faux relationship, I frankensteined bits of my own actual relationships together and concocted an elaborate story about how The Boyfriend and I met and grew to be smitten.  I was on a roll!  My Fake Boyfriend was a gorgeous, chivalrous, intelligent and witty man and was well-liked by my family, especially EM and EM's boyfriend (my toughest critics). 

Then, I watched my coworker's face fall.  Shit.  Too far, TAB.  Coworker unfolded his arms and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Well, if you things don't work out, you know..." He looked so crestfallen.

Feeling like the biggest asshole ever, I patted his shoulder comfortingly. 

"Oh, Coworker, you know how I am with relationships, I'm sure I'll sabotage it somehow.  I doubt it'll last."

Coworker's eyes lit up.


So here I am, having dug myself into the grave of a pseudo-relationship with a figment of my imagination who, for the sake of Coworker, apparently fights with me all the time, but won't leave me.

This has to be a litmus of my *actual* relationship failures.


  1. Do you like said co-worker? I mean, who's to say it won't work out.

  2. In your did try to spare the poor sap! Lying in this situation is totally understandable...but from my experience (because i am SO guilty of this exact thing) I always end up messing up a little detail I told but couldn't remember afterwards. AWKWARD.

  3. Found your blog via 20sb and thoroughly enjoyed this post! I'm sure it was not so funny for you at the time but I wish I could have been a witness to something like this. haha! :)

  4. The next time, TAB, keep it simple and tell him, "I'm sorry, I don't shit where I eat, and I don't date where I work. If we'd met somewhere else, maybe. But...well...." (*look wistful and humorous, chuckle, touch his arm, WALK AWAY*).
    That would have done it right there. I'm just sayin'.

  5. @Elizabeth - I know! I've been there, too. Sometimes I don't remember part of my story. I am really the worst liar ever.

    @Q - Thanks, Q! I do love me some 20sb! It probably would have been better if you were a witness because I would have been all, "OMG ef this, Q, let's go get a beer across the street instead of watching me have to deal with this."

    @Julie - UGH that would have been so much more simple. I need you to be my voice of reason and just follow me around like "wtf are you doing? stop." That would be so helpful.

  6. I think youre fucking hot i'd date you.

    - Precious