Not-So-Smooooooth Operator

It's been a while since I've written anything, mainly because I've been busy doing other writing gigs. One of these involved paparazzi-style press coverage of a charity event in Beverly Hills, complete with red carpet and a d-list celeb parade. One of these celebs, though, was yet another crush of mine: the Old Spice guy. You know, "The Man Your Man Can Smell Like," who rides a horse backwards and holds in his hand a clam shell full of diamonds and "tickets to that thing you love". Yeah. That guy.

Imagine my giddy surprise in the photo pit across the red carpet when said studmuffin stepped up and started grinning for the blinding flashes from the other, more legit press honeys. Throughout the night, I edged closer and closer to him, trying to work up the nerve to get a quote about the event, stopped every few feet by other useless d-listers trying to convince me that they were important enough to be interviewed.

"Hi, I'm SoandSo D-lister. I'm on that one show that you've never heard of, and I do important things for this charity, like attend fundraisers with free food and booze. My life is hard. Interview me! Is that recorder on?"

"Sure it is..."

"But the light isn't on."

"The light only turns on when the recorder is off."

"Oh. Blah blah blah dumb quote."

The night started to wind down and my feet started to hate me more and more for wearing platform stilettos to a long standing-only event, and as I milled about outside taking gratuitous party shots, I sensed a roaming hotness behind me. Lo and behold, it was hot Old Spice guy!

"Excuse me! I'm covering this event for Random Fashion Website, could I get a couple quotes from you about this event? What kind of involvement do you have with Random Charity?"

"Random Fashion Website? You're not going to ask me if I prefer stilettos or mary janes?" Hot Old Spice guy joked.

"No," I said matter-of-factly. "Because there's only one answer to that question."

"I prefer mary janes," he said.

"Well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and yours is wrong. Stilettos would impale mary janes. Are you working on any other projects right now besides the awesome and hilarious Old Spice commercials? Did Old Spice give you a lifetime supply of Old Spice and horses for doing those commercials?"

Old Spice guy laughed at me and said something about some other movie that he was doing. The friend that he was with (clearly a fame-leeching tool because he was wearing sunglasses at 10pm and was NOT - I repeat, NOT - a Blues Brother) made some kind of impatient noise and Hot Old Spice guy made like he was ready to leave, so I said:

"Well thank you very much, I appreciate you stopping for a minute to answer my questions. And hey, give me a call if you ever get those tickets to that thing I love!"

Old Spice guy chuckled and walked off with his fame-leech. I'm pretty sure it's against the rules somewhere for paparazzi to hit on famous people, but hey, Rule Book, I'm a woman first.