Friday, February 18, 2011

I could win an Olympic gold medal for Conclusion Jumping!

I don't know if it's something connected to estrogen or if my probable adult ADD just randomizes illogical cause-and-effect scenarios, but I've decided that if you could compete in the Olympic Conclusion Jump, I would probably excel far beyond the gold medal.  I'd win the platinum medal, or the unanimously coveted bacon medal, which would obviously be one step above platinum.

I'll take a real life example just to prove to you other contestants how you don't stand a chance.

Me:  MEH, I just got an email from Boss Lady that my employee evaluation is today.

MEH:  Oh, good luck.

Me:  It's Friday.  My employee evaluation is on a Friday.

(I pause.  Let that sink in.)

Me:  I am going to be fired.

MEH assures me that if I were on the chopping block, my bosses would not wait until my annual review to give me the ol' heave ho.  (Ha ha... "ho.")  Some of you may even be scratching your heads, wondering how I got from "my review is on a Friday" to "I should probably start looking for another job right now."  If you're wondering, you obviously don't stand a chance in the Olympic Conclusion Jump.

Here's how it works, you guys.  Somewhere, at some point in time, I may or may not have read something that said that there was a higher percentage of firings on Fridays.  People don't get fired on Mondays because they're more likely to jump off the roof out of depression.  Is this true?  I have no idea.  Will I base a number of (in my mind) logical derivatives from this piece of potentially fictional news?  You bet your bacon medal, I will.

If there is a higher percentage of firings on Fridays and I am going in for some serious criticism about my performance, it makes sense to me that my bosses would usher me into the Office of Intimidation, smile at me and tell me that while I have excellent email communication skills, upon further review, I just wasn't meeting the standards of excellence that I've previously mentioned

I'm clearly concerned with my looming unemployment - clearly.  It's just that I plan on having french fries for lunch again today, so I'll probably have a heart attack within the next year, anyway.

Bacon medal, here I come!


  1. I don't think there's anything wrong with jumping to conclusions. I look at it as staying ahead of everyone else.

    If you get the bacon medal, is there a chance I can have the Canadian bacon medal?

  2. Absolutely. I award you the covetous Candian bacon medal for helping to rationalize my paranoia. Hooray!

    As a pair, I'd say we have the porcine breakfast meat awards covered, with the exception that I need to find someone to win the sausage medal. (I'm not sure if I'm intending that pun or not.)