Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm trying to love you, Football, but you're boring so it's hard for me.

There are some things in life that I believe I will never learn. Things that I can't comprehend, mistakes that I continue to make over and over, and subjects that I have some kind of mental block against - that no matter how many times I study, evade my understanding. The finer points of string theory, most things related to chemistry, psychological reasons why some people are as useless as a butthole on your forehead, and football.

And, like all good Americans, I hate that which I do not understand. Except for string theory - I think that has some serious potential to be fantastic. Plus I feel like I have a better chance of understanding that than football, which is saying something.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the "experience" of football, especially if there is booze attached to it. Tailgate parties, sports bars, pubs, BBQs... generally, any time I am challenged to make something heart-attack inducing bite-sized, I'm going to be on board. ("These wings would be better if they were wrapped in bacon!") I can also get behind having a home team, but I moved around a bit and my college didn't have a football team, so I missed out there. I also don't mind large sweaty men in jerseys who yell at the television and at the refs and paint their faces like William Wallace in their wife's Suburban. Actually, I commend you for your spirit. That's how I get when Shark Week rolls around every year. (Seriously.)

I've had football "explained" to me at least once a year, from several different people. As a kid, I was too wrapped up in soccer to properly give a shit about anything that wasn't soccer (or ballet, come to think of it) but I knew that the Super Bowl meant snacks and funny commercials. My Dad tried to explain it to me, but I never remembered how those conversations ended because I'm sure EM and I would just take off to go do something more interesting, like watch grass grow. Later in high school, I was in marching band and so was forced to sit through games, unmoved and unthrilled by anything happening. Even when my guy friends tried to inform me about the horrible call that just happened, I would inevitably ask something stupid like, "A safety is what now? He struck out? Oh, it's like a touchdown? Is that like a 3-pointer? Penalty kick? No? Can I have some of your nachos?"

I've dated football players and die-hard football fans who tried, in vain, to make me understand The Greatest Sport In The Universe. It never ended well. I'm determined to learn, if only to prove to myself that if I can understand verb conjugation in most Latin based languages, surely I can understand something understood by millions of men and 5 or 6 women. Probably.

I watched the Super Bowl yesterday and tried to absorb commentary on fumbles and incomplete passes, the point system and the lineup, but ended up bored and making cookies in the kitchen. Some day, I'll learn... it's just that I *really* want to get this string theory thing down first.

Wanna cookie?

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