Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sometimes, this is actually how I hear conversations.

Scene: An office. The phone rings.

TAB: This is TAB.

Coworker: Worthless Peon, good morning! How are you today?

TAB: (grunt).

Coworker: Listen, I really need your help with something. Can you track down this piece of information that I know you don't have access to so that I don't have to spend ten of my valuable seconds composing an email to send to corporate?

TAB: Um, that's really not my responsibility...

Coworker: I know, but if you don't do it, I'll send you an email every five minutes asking for your help anyway, and I'll CC absolutely everyone in every office so that eventually someone will come in your office and yell at you to just help me out so that I'll stop bothering everyone with a flood of poorly spelled, grammatically atrocious emails. Ha ha!

TAB: Oh, in that case, let me just get a pen here so that I can take down this information... Coworker: Okay, I don't have any information that would actually help you with the thing that I'm asking you to find, so how about I give you a bunch of random numbers and figures that in no way pertains to this problem?

TAB: Great. I am definitely listening and writing down all of this information. I'm practically at the edge of my seat, salivating and hanging on your every word. Please continue. I don't have anything else to do today, anyway!Coworker: Well, it wouldn't matter if you did, because I would demand that you drop whatever it was you were doing to fix this problem that I created for myself.

TAB: And rightly so, Coworker. My office supplies include anal lube because with the frequency that I am bent over and "put in my place," so to speak, things can get quite sore. Let me just finish up these notes here... Do you have any more useless facts and figures, or shall I get to ignoring your problem right away?Coworker: Well, I need to make sure that this gets done as of yesterday, because it was due on Monday and I procrastinated asking for help, so if you could just go back in time and make sure I'm doing my job correctly, we won't end up having this conversation. Did you get that down, Slave? That this is a HOT RUSH and you should be completing it right now? As I am still speaking to you? I mean, are you already working on it? Have you finished it yet?

TAB: Just about. I'm just finishing up getting this information and coming up with a brilliant answer to your problem that will be painfully obvious. In fact, I am literally leaping out of my chair to hunt down the five people that I will need to talk to in order to ascertain what it is, exactly, that you're even asking me for. I'm definitely concerned with how you look to management.

Coworker: Great! I'm glad you've been so attentive, because you should also pay attention to the fact that you're going to do all the legwork for me and I will take the credit. I hope your notes were thorough, Worthless Peon, because I might even change my mind about what it is I'm asking of you!

TAB: I'm usually prepared for that, Coworker! Don't worry, I have everything written down here. Enjoy your obscene salary, you overpaid, useless twit.

Coworker: I surely will! Thanks for making me look even better!

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