Free Dating Advice for EVERYONE!

A friend came to me a few days ago to ask me for help.  He was about to embark upon a magical journey known as "Second Date" and wanted the advice of a lady.  (Played here by me!)  I did used to have a dating advice column, after all, despite the fact that it was very short-lived because I advised several women that their boyfriends were probably secretly gay, and all of my letters involved some form of, "You know what?  Just have a beer and let love happen."  Plus, I've been known on occasion to let my probable ADD run away with me, which makes my advice more colorful than, say, "Dear Abby," because I have never known her to recommend tried-and-true relationship bonding activities, like lighting things on fire and taking your loved one to a shooting range.  (There's just something romantical about the smell of gunpowder!)  Sometimes, I think the ADD actually works in my favor... sort of like my advice-giving-superpower.

Me:  You honestly cannot go wrong with hot wings and The Trinity of Bruces.

Him:  The what?

Me:  The Trinity of Bruces!  Campbell, Willis, and Lee, duh.  Ladies love Bruce Campbell!

He's so sweaty!  Plus, chainsaw hand!  ::swoon::

Him:  Uh, I don't know that she'd be into B-horror and action movies... Maybe a drama or a romcom or something.

Me:  Romcom?  I don't know so many of those.  Ugh, what the hell kind of a woman are you dating?!  Okay, what about... a museum, or the aquarium?!  OR!  You could take her to a bookstore and buy her a book, and then she'll fall in love with you.  Women like it when you buy them things, and books are the greatest presents ever.  Fact.

Him:  Um...

Me:  It's true.  Plus bookstores are awesome.  Unless you buy her like, "Idiot's Guide to Fixing Scooters" because I'm sorry, but scooters are the bisexual of the bike world.  Not a motorcycle, not a bicycle, just hanging out in the middle and you're like, "DUDE, JUST PICK A SIDE!" and everyone would be cool with it, you know?  We just want you to be happy and secure with yourself, Vespa.

Him:  I don't know why I ask you for help.  You suck at dating.  You hardly make it to second dates, anyway.

Me:  Hey, it's called truthiness if you just nip things in the bud because your date doesn't like "Jaws," dude.  Or doesn't read.  Or has a criminal record.  Or looks at you all judgmentally when you're talking about how you went to Taco Bell last weekend and ordered so much food that the guy asked if you wanted a second drink.  Speaking of which, you could get some Taco Bell and a six-pack and go have a picnic somewhere out of your truck!  That's romantic.  So is showing up with a bottle of whiskey and all the Jurassic Park DVDs and making out on the couch.

Him:  ...wow.  Dating you must be like dating a pubescent teenage boy.  I'm just going to take her out for sushi and a movie, I guess.  Like regular adults do.

Me:  You know what would make that date better?  Fireworks.  Or you could surprise her and show up in a Stormtrooper costume--you could borrow my helmet.  OR... lasers.  Like, a laser light show!  But set to the music of Indiana Jones!  Also, ice cream.  Ladies love ice cream.

Him:  Ice cream is not a bad idea!  I'm surprised; I didn't think you'd be helpful in the slightest, but you've managed to give me a good suggestion after all.

Me:  You know what else ladies love?

Him:  Don't say it--

Me:  Bruce Campbell.