I need to find my panic button so I can turn it off.

Me:  The end of my internship is coming up.  I'm filled with an unbelievable anxiety about the exit interview, so I started making a list of good things and bad things about my internship.

Friend:  That's not a bad idea.  Let's hear 'em.

Me:  Bad thing #1:  I got paid $100 for 6 months of work, which is less than children stitching soccer balls in some sweaty Nike hangout.

Friend:  Might not want to lead with that.  What else?

Me:  Bad thing #2:  This office has awful porn shui.  Our computers are RIGHT THERE FOR ALL TO SEE!  And I'm not talking about like sex porn, but, you know, if I want to be looking at food blogs or something, I'm afraid they're gonna catch me when I should be fact checking.

Friend:  Maybe you shouldn't be so honest during your exit interview...

Me:  Good thing #1:  I like the work, most of the time.  Unless I have to fact check with politicians, or rich people.  Good thing #2:  There is usually free food somewhere in the office every couple weeks.  Hence, I am not starving.

Friend:  You can't starve, you eat more than anyone I know.  I don't know where you put it.

Me:  Thank you.  Unlike Shakira, my hips DO lie.  They are secretly hollow, and that is where I keep my food stores.

Friend: ...

Me:  I feel like I should do something great at the end.  Like, make cookies for everyone.  Or bring in fireworks or something.  OR... I could come in to work in a beard!

Friend: Um...?

Me:  When I left my last job, EM was trying to convince me to wear this beard she had left over from a production that she worked on.  I didn't end up doing it because when I tried it on, it was really uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable how GOOD I looked!  OHH!!!  No, but seriously, it itched a lot.  That's how I rate men with beards, too, you know.  Based on whether or not I would let the beard in question touch me.  Homeless man beard?  No.  Santa beard?  Only if I am getting presents.  Hot guy scruffy beard?  Yes.

Friend:  Honestly, I am not even listening to you anymore.  You stopped making sense like, five minutes ago.  But don't talk about beards during your exit interview.  Maybe talk about what you're going to do with your life, now that you're no longer an intern.

Me:  I'm... I'm supposed to know that?!