Thanks, Cosmo! Now I'll be able to get me a MAN!

Today I found a brilliant article from the femmes at Cosmopolitan.com that's sure to explain a few of the innumerable problems that I seem to have with the opposite sex. The article, "What He's Judging You On," lists 4 things that men judge when they first meet women. Below are Cosmo's judgment factors, followed by my personal commentary.

Cosmo says:
1. Men judge women based on their friends. Cosmo tries to dress it up and lists an example of gossipy friends = annoying gossipy girlfriend, but let's face facts. Men are more apt to judge a girl in relation to the hotness of her friends than whether or not they are gossipy. Most of the men I know have long since accepted the fact that *all* girls gossip because it is a genetic quality that goes hand in hand with the estrogen thing. Don't try to get all feminist on me like "::shocked gasp:: TAB! I'm not that kind of girl! I don't gossip!" because yes you are, and yes you do. Somewhere, it's scientifically proven. When it comes to introducing a date to my friends, I am absolutely paranoid because most of my friends are gorgeous and are often much cuter than me, many of my other friends are powerful drinkers and/or have been arrested, so have much more interesting stories than my date, and more often than not, my date will fall short of the level of awesome that friends will require/expect for me. Introducing fellas to my friends only happens very, very rarely because it's too much pressure for everyone involved.

2. Men judge you based on your laugh. Some dbag named Adam is quoted here as saying that he got really annoyed when he went out on a date with a girl who laughed at everything he said, so Cosmo tells you not to laugh too much. Well, you know what, Adam? That girl was probably laughing AT you, not with you. Chances are, you said something really dumb and she was only laughing to avoid saying something caustic like, "Wow, dumbass, you really don't know who Joe Biden is?" or "Uh, no, Hendrix was *not* in The Doors, crap-for-brains." (Yes, I actually have met these people.) If this is really the case, however, I am screwed because my inner monologue is often waaay more entertaining to me.
Example:
Date: "Did you watch the latest Michael Moore film?"
TAB: (Inner monologue: I wonder if this guy watches South Park.) "No. While I think his investigative journalistic skills are commendable, I think he presents his arguments in a very one-sided and biased manner, and I find it distasteful and 'sensational.' Did you watch last week's South Park?" (Inner monologue: Haha. Cartman.)
Date: "No, I'm not really a South Park fan. I think it's juvenile."
TAB: "Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, here's what happened... no wait, I can't even tell you. You have to watch it. Ha ha ha." (Inner monologue: Hahaha. Cartman. Somalian Pirate episode. Haaahaha.)
Date: "Um. So Michael Moore..."
TAB: (Inner monologue: I bet Michael Moore looked like Cartman when he was a kid. Man. I want another beer and some fries. Oh dude... the Ungroundable episode! BURN DOWN, BURN DOWN HOT TOOOPIC!) "I bet Michael Moore looked like Cartman when he was a kid. And um, do you want another beer and some fries? I'm gonna get some. Ha ha... Burn down! Burn down Hot Tooopic!!"
Date: "Uh."

3. Men judge you based on your drink. This I actually agree with, but only so far as to say that women do it, too. Cosmo says you're supposed to have a "compelling reason for choosing the type of drink" and that it's not about what you choose, it's just that you have to defend your choice. You're wrong about that, Cosmo, because there's not really a whole lot a man can say that will redeem him for ordering certain drinks (do you know anyone who has ever ordered a white wine spritzer? I don't). You can judge me for ordering Guinness and whiskey all you want, because truthfully, I will be the girl who will list all the reasons why I think you're an idiot for meeting me at a brewery with 500 types of beer and then ordering a Bud Light. Your whiny rationale will not spare you. (I imagine any man who would order a Bud Light in a brewery would be whiny. Correct me if I'm wrong.)

4. Men judge you based on your cell phone usage. I think it's safe to say that if your date would rather text her friends or check her email obsessively (because who talks on their phone that much anymore, really?) she's probably "just not that into you." Here I would have to tell you gents to get some tougher standards, because if you get thrilled like Cosmo's requisite dbag example who felt it was some Herculean task when his date let her ringing phone go to voicemail... dude. What kind of broads are you dating?

That's it, apparently. According to Cosmopolitan.com, that's how men judge women, which I guess is good if you're ugly or have the personality of dry white toast. As long as you don't answer your phone on a date or laugh gratuitously, you'll be fine. Men will judge you as fit to breed.

It's a good thing, too, because I'm really tired of sucking in this beer gut.