Bugs are freaking scary, okay?

The other day, I was catching up with a friend of mine who lives in New York and she shared with me something so completely and utterly terrifying, it has seriously become a factor in my wanting to move there.

Bed bugs.

I really, truly, seriously did not think bed bugs were real, but NY Friend tells me that not only are they real, but they are a serious infestation problem in older buildings on the east coast. She also went on to tell me that they are like LICE and they have to be EXTERMINATED because they're tenacious little fuckers and it just becomes a huge ordeal because hello, you have freaking INSECTS LIVING IN YOUR SHEETS.

TOL is dating someone new, and so after finally removing any lingering delusions I had, we have again reached a point where I do not wish him a life of abstinence and getting hit by cabs. Though we text only rarely (re: when I am drunk or mistake him for my friend just below him in my contact list) he has become a sort of NY authority for me to direct my many questions to, and so was the brunt of my panic when I found out about this life-altering news. He then told me not to worry, that it was only really gross apartments that were infested with the things and that you could actually find any kind of vermin in certain NY apartments, even ticks.

TICKS?!

He is, of course, trying to calm me down and tell me that I will not die of Lyme disease (I will) and that it's not EVERYWHERE (it may as well be) and that it's not that bad (it is). My rationale was to yell at him about the time we both freaked out in his apartment because there was a spider on the wall and neither one of us wanted to get close enough to kill it, and to tell him to shut up and let me have my fear of bugs because I'm not afraid of snakes, rodents, small spaces or dark alleys. I would rather take on a velociraptor armed only with a spoon than to have ticks or bed bugs or any other kinds of creepy crawlies in my apartment.

Hi, my name is TAB and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to be afraid of bugs. They are small and evil and will ef with your shit if you don't watch out.