Friday, April 2, 2010

Welcome to LA: Please Don't Feed The Celebrities.

Last night I met up with eharmony guy at a fabulous bar over the hill. Being The Average (booze-loving) Broad, I sat down and ordered a beer before eharmony guy could finish his first sentence, which happened to be:

"Did you see Jason Segel sitting on the patio out there?"

I turned around and scanned the patio area, and then turned back around to find Jason Segel standing next to my bar stool. He ordered a Jameson (::swoon::) and walked back to the patio to sit with his friends. Eharmony guy apparently noticed that I froze, as if Jason Segel had not been Jason Segel, in fact, but a tyrannosaurus rex and my rigid posture (remember Jurassic Park?) was the only thing keeping us from being eaten.

"I loved him in SLC Punk. He had glasses and beat people up in mosh pits and looked nerdy but was really more punk rock than all of them," I said wistfully. "I developed a huge crush on him then. The last great article I read in Rolling Stone was the interview with him."

(Note: I have excellent taste. Jason Segel is still very, very sexy with his tallness and his sweet cheeks and messy hair.)

Eharmony guy felt it was appropriate to tease me, which was fine, until Jason Segel (yes, I will continue to use his FULL name) walked back to the bar and ordered another round.

"Jason," eharmony guy spoke up. "My date TAB here is a big fan of yours."

Jason Segel laughed, reached out to shake my hand and said, "Oh! Awesome! Hi!"

"Hi," I whispered, feeling the color drain from my face and then rush back in a furious blush.

"Ever since...what was that movie in the 90s?" Eharmony guy continued.

"SLC Punk," I breathed.

"Oh! Yeah, way back in 97," Jason Segel smiled. "You look like an SLC Punk girl."

I giggled stupidly and stared very intently at my beer. Jason Segel collected his next round of drinks and walked back to his patio table.

"I am going to punch you in the face," I said to eharmony guy.

He chuckled because he doesn't know me well enough to fear me (yet) and continued talking about something else. Meanwhile, I tried to recover because it is not every day that you meet your celebrity crushes, and even though I have met beautiful celebrities in LA (Dave Navarro IS that hot in person), there are still some that will wipe away any witty comments and charm you have in your brain and make you feel like a teenybopper or a tourist.

"There are rules," I said, exasperated. "If you live in LA, you don't approach the celebrities. Especially if you like them and think they are beautiful or talented. You pretend like you don't see them and let them have as normal a life as possible and only look at them out of the corners of your eyes or in the reflection of your iPhone. You never look at them directly!"

Eharmony guy thought I was ridiculous and maybe I am... that is, if "ridiculous" is another word for "right."

Whatever. There are Rules.


  1. This is the best story ever. Yes there are LA celebrity rules, but there are a few loopholes. For someone extra special they can be broken (ie for Jason Segel). And if you didn't actually go up to him, then its okay too.

  2. I agree about the rules. Other rules include: no staring or whispering conspicuously, no attempts to make innocuous conversation that is totally transparent to your realy motive, which is just to say you talked to Famous Person, and absolutely, no, I mean NO, talking to or looking at or commenting on their kids, no matter how cute/odd/bratty they may appear.
    Pets, however, are a good opener, and are allowed to be approached.

  3. Pets can be approached? "Hi, I'm TAB and I'm Jason Segel's pet."