Monday, March 22, 2010

Beware the D-listers.

Living in L.A. sounds so glamorous, doesn't it? Sometimes, when I tell people I live in Los Angeles (if they're not from or familiar with the city) they think it's red carpets and Brangelina sightings at Coffee Bean every day. On occasion (read: when it involves getting a free drink and/or food thing), I will admit that I perpetuate this delusion. Sometimes it's just better to roll with it than to destroy someone's vision of such a charmed lifestyle. When I was studying abroad in the UK some years ago, The OC was stupid popular and everyone at the pub/club got excited upon hearing that I hailed from this state (nevermind that Orange County is hours away from my former college) and repeatedly asked if I knew anyone famous. To be fair, I was sure karma would kick my ass if I lied, so I would politely inform them that Cali is a huge state and no, Seth didn't live next door to me. Towards the end of my time across the pond, however, I didn't see any karmic benefit to being honest and found myself telling lavish stories about how Marissa and I went to elementary school together and scoring free booze because of it. Dude, things are expensive in the UK and you gotta get creative, savvy?

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that 1. L.A. is 98% D-list actors, 2. you will encounter them and 3. they will act like they are A-list actors and be complete dbags most of the time.

The proof I have to support my bubble-popping statements (sorry, non-Angelenos) is numerous enough that I considered turning it into a book, until I realized no one wants to read a book about dbags. (Get that, Miley?) I draw from a LOT of sources because the only thing anyone here really cares about is who you know, and let me tell you, the people I know have to deal with the D-listers every day. Most recent examples:

1. Today, MEH informed me that he went to cover a club/label party and upon approaching a D-list actor (who may or may not have been on Boston Legal) for 5 minutes of his time and a short quote about the event, D-lister Dbag turned him down and walked away all without making eye contact. Perhaps he needed his manager to help him formulate a thought, which brings me to...

2. Not so recent, but funny nonetheless, during my stint at an L.A.-based magazine, there happened to be an event during L.A. Fashion Week, in which The Average Broad was glamorously stationed as the guest list girl (insert collective groan and facepalm from my fellow low-on-the-totem-pole intern friends) and was stuck dealing with a D-lister who, I kid you not, introduced himself to everyone as "SoandSo, from the CBS show Moonlight," which, I later found out, involved a guest spot on ONE episode. The show is canceled, I think, but it was new at the time and after whining about not receiving a gift bag from the event (crappy gift bag at that, not like it's the Oscars here) and forcing his overpaid and lecherous manager on me to secure said crappy gift bag, proceeded to call my (at the time) red hair "sassy" and ended with "I could show you around the set sometime." Well, D-lister, I thought, I could show you my fist in your face, but you look like the type who would press charges.

3. Being a fanfreakingtastic makeup artist, EM has dealt with some doozies in her line of work. A couple weeks ago, she texted me about working with some "I'm-a-hotshot" actor-type who, as it turns out, was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer for maybe two minutes of screen time total. I don't think he's done anything since, but he definitely classifies as a dbag D-lister who was an arrogant-rude-guy to EM when she was trying to do her job, as in, make him look good. Brill idea, D-lister, to piss off the makeup artist who has the ability to make you look like a pimpled, wrinkly assface on camera. Ever the professional, EM kept it classy, but we had a fine time texting about it later.

Here's the deal. L.A. is about appearances so it wants you to think it's really all red carpets and Brangelina sightings, when it's really a pretty filthy city with a lot of selfish, stupid people who only really want to talk to you if you can help them get somewhere in life. I'd be totally happy to dish more celeb gossip, too, if you could just tell that friend you know at that one magazine that I'm looking to fill that superb EA posish. If you hear from her, call me and we'll do lunch.

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