Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Advice is Better Than Glamour's.

EM was flipping through Glamour last night and reading some of the listy-article bits that they classify as super important information for EVERY WOMAN! This information included anything and everything sexual that we all learned in middle school health, "diet" tips that common sense should dictate, and all kinds of things "your man" is "thinking" at any given time. I choose to not go into detail about *why* it is ridiculous for a masthead of predominantly female (I'm guessing) editors to deconstruct the complex male psyche. Glamour? Just stop. Let's all accept that men do NOT psychoanalyze why you wore that color shirt, because they are too busy thinking of 1. hot naked broads, 2. any kind of sandwich or red meat, 3. alcohol and getting drunk with their homies, and 4. some kind of hobby that most women don't give a rat's ass about, including but not limited to: sports, cars, what you *just* did in the bathroom, something nerdy with computers and/or something nerdy with tools.

Get ready for the obvious: men and women are different, so you should really stop trying to quantify their behavior in the same terms. If I want to know why an apple tastes like an apple, I'm not going to eat an orange to figure it out.

That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I imagine you get where I'm going.

Anyway, since Glamour sucks and really pissed me off with editors selling you bullshit information you ALREADY KNEW, I've decided to give you a list of things that you may not have known and can use at your discretion.

List of Things Glamour Probably Won't Publish:

1. There is a direct correlation between how whiny a man's vehicle is and how whiny he is. You can rev that crotch-rocket next to me in traffic all you want, but I know you're going to end up bitching to me about why you can't eat fried food anymore or how you want to have a "sit down" about "where the relationship is going." Beware, ladies.

2. Sluttiness is relative. Don't get all crazy Samantha Jones on me here, but there is a fine line between being a morally-loose skank face and not remembering if you made out with that guy in college. In short, don't be a skeeze (that goes for you, too, guys) but if you want to go out with that guy whose last name you just can't remember, consider this my blessing.

3. Alcohol may not help your immune system by killing germs, but if you want to get technical, neither do placebos and people get better with placebos all the time. I'm just throwing that out there for the next time you feel like an alcoholic wondering if that 2pm Jack and Coke is really gonna fix your sore throat. The answer is: yes.

4. It is a waste of time for you to feel guilty for the following things: sitting around in your pajamas all day long and then going to sleep in them again, eating anything fried, cheesy or sweet because unless you live on fiber pellets, there are a LOT of things that taste way better than thin feels, spending a lot of money on a bar tab, staying home and doing nothing instead of going out on a Sat. night, buying the $400 shoes with your tax refund instead of using it to pay off your credit card, flirting with the bartender so he'll pour you free drinks, screening calls when you're depressed and in the midst of a spectacular mope that you don't want anyone to interrupt.

5. The older you get, the more okay it is to be shallow. When you're young and naive and idealistic, you can afford to love based on personality (and maybe looks, if you're reeeally shallow) alone. When you get to a certain age, however, material things become a sign of maturity. For example, my rules are that in order to land a date, a man must possess: 1. a car, 2. an apartment or abode that is not his parent's basement, 3. a job, preferably of the legal variety. Tolerance varies with the male and location, (if you're in NY, obviously having a car isn't as important) but those are my stipulations. I don't care if you live in a dirty hovel above an Indian restaurant, drive a rusted bucket of bolts or work at McDonald's, but if you don't have the maturity or fortitude to possess those three things, you will not last long with me and I will eat you alive.

6. Even if you think you're cool (and I do), you are *just* as crazy as every other crazy broad. Don't try to fight nature, ladies. Accept that on some level, you can and WILL be *that girl* who will slash your philandering ex's tires, lie and say that you have chlamydia so that he has to get that painful STD test, slander him on Facebook and boil his rabbit. It's all in us. Everyone is someone's crazy ex. Accept it and learn to deal with it. And men? It's your job to accept that we're all that crazy. Learn to love it, because like your boob-staring-reflex, we cannot change it.

7. HE DOES NOT KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAD. Screw the silent treatment, tell him why he's being a dbag, accept the apology and move on. Do NOT bring it up later because you have MOVED ON.

8. It is entirely unnecessary to send more than one email or text to inquire if someone received your communication. Sending five emails about the same topic in one day and calling my office to ask, "Did you see my email? Did you get my text?" are superfluous. Yes, I saw it. I will answer you when I have time, and you only have to ask me once because I do not have the memory span of a goldfish.

9. 'Please' and 'thank you' still go a long way. So does snail mail. Getting an email will never be as cool as getting a letter.

10. Know when you need to stop dicking around and buckle down, and also know when to chill the fuck out. If you need help, spend some time in New York and then spend some time in California. Then, learn from the people around you and take the best of both worlds.

Glamour usually stops at 10 per list, I think. There you have it. 10 bits of advice that I think everyone should know. Some of it may seem like common sense, but whatever. Take it with a grain of salt, a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.

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